Nov. 16, 2022

Your Inner Critic with Andrea Hanson [Ep. 17]

Your Inner Critic with Andrea Hanson [Ep. 17]
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Think Well Live Well

Do you have an inner mean girl? We pretty much all do so don't feel bad in the least if you answered yes! In this episode, my guest Andrea Hanson and I dive into what is going on with that inner critic, where does it come from and what to do about it. This is such a great topic for all women, and especially for those that are trying to make health changes in their lives.

Andrea W. Hanson is a motivational speaker and the author of two books about having a positive mindset while living with a diagnosis; “Live Your Life, Not Your Diagnosis” and “Stop Carrying The Weight of Your MS”. She’s also a master certified life & mindset coach who’s lived with multiple sclerosis for over two decades. Her podcast, “Live Your Life, Not Your Diagnosis” features conversations with people who are creating extraordinary lives while living with chronic illness.

Andrea teaches people how to tune out the noise of their inner critic and listen to their authentic voice so they can feel confident in their ability to make changes and create the life they want. Her upcoming online course uses the Live Your Life, Not Your Diagnosis method to help high achievers living with a chronic illness to create self-care, deeper confidence, and helps them get back to feeling like themselves again. Get more information and join the waitlist at AndreaHansonCoaching.com/waitlist.

Don't forget to SHARE this episode with a friend! Tag me and I'll send a little something special your way! 

Key takeaways:

  • What is the inner critic and why is she there
  • Is tough love necessary and does it work in the long term?
  • Willpower is a form of the inner critic
  • How to become aware of the inner critic--the first step in making changes
  • How the inner critic shows up in our behavior
  • Calming the inner critic and replacing her with intentional thoughts

Where to Find Andrea Hanson:

More from Well with Lisa:

More from Well with Lisa:

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:03.793 --> 00:00:10.692
Welcome to Eat Well, Think Well, Live Well; the podcast for women who want to lose weight, but are tired of counting and calculating all the food.

00:00:11.323 --> 00:00:12.882
I'm your host, Lisa Salsbury.

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I'm a certified health and weight loss coach and life coach, and most importantly a recovered chronic dieter.

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I'll teach you to figure out why you are eating when you aren't hungry, instead of worrying so much about what you are eating.

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Hi, everyone.

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I have a super fun show for you today, but before we get into it, I just want to remind you that, you know, Thanksgiving is next week.

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So if you haven't listened to handling the holidays, which is episode 15, I know you'll get a lot out of that.

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So don't forget to go listen to that.

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Also, don't forget when you share the podcast, just like a screenshot to your stories while you're listening here, tag me in that, and I'll send you a gift card to Starbucks, no limit on that.

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So anytime you do it, I'll buy your drink for this morning.

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Okay.

00:01:00.865 --> 00:01:06.894
I have Andrea Hanson on the podcast today as my guest, and we had such a fun time with this one.

00:01:06.894 --> 00:01:13.034
I actually laughed several times out loud as I was editing this one because we laughed a lot.

00:01:13.305 --> 00:01:19.064
I tell you some of my terrible inner thoughts, and it's also just really informative and inspiring.

00:01:19.844 --> 00:01:25.305
Andrea is a master certified coach and works a lot with the inner critic that we all have.

00:01:25.605 --> 00:01:26.174
She does.

00:01:26.174 --> 00:01:43.724
So primarily with those that have autoimmune illnesses, but I don't want that talk at the beginning here as she's introducing herself to put you off from listening to this show because her work is totally applicable to all women, especially to those of us trying to make changes to her health.

00:01:44.084 --> 00:01:46.784
And that is why I invited her here on the show.

00:01:46.784 --> 00:01:47.144
So.

00:01:47.474 --> 00:01:50.174
Without further ado here is our conversation.

00:01:52.634 --> 00:01:53.414
All right.

00:01:53.504 --> 00:01:57.043
Uh, I just wanna welcome Andrea Hansen to our podcast today.

00:01:57.043 --> 00:01:59.983
So we are gonna start with an introduction from,

00:02:01.233 --> 00:02:01.864
Hi Lisa.

00:02:01.864 --> 00:02:03.453
Thank you so much for having me.

00:02:03.459 --> 00:02:05.733
I'm really excited to be here and talking to everybody.

00:02:06.153 --> 00:02:11.253
I am a master certified life and mindset coach.

00:02:11.354 --> 00:02:18.704
I am also an author of two books talking about positive mindsets and living with a chronic illness.

00:02:18.764 --> 00:02:24.674
Um, my books are Live Your Life, Not your Diagnosis and Stop carrying the weight of your ms.

00:02:25.033 --> 00:02:29.204
And I just, a few months ago recently started a, my podcast.

00:02:29.463 --> 00:02:30.933
Live your life, not your diagnosis.

00:02:30.933 --> 00:02:42.424
Where I talk to people who are living with a chronic illness, but doing amazing things with their lives to show that having a chronic illness does not mean that your life has to stop at all.

00:02:42.903 --> 00:02:43.503
That is awesome.

00:02:43.503 --> 00:02:43.954
Thank you.

00:02:43.954 --> 00:02:47.283
Oh, like what kinds of chronic illnesses do you highlight on that show?

00:02:47.873 --> 00:02:49.854
A lot of them are autoimmune.

00:02:49.913 --> 00:02:56.403
So I have multiple sclerosis, which is an autoimmune disorder, and a lot of people that I speak with ha, I mean, there's.

00:02:56.493 --> 00:02:58.294
So many different autoimmune disorders.

00:02:58.294 --> 00:03:13.954
That's not necessarily narrowing it down, but the idea is not that it's necessarily a specific chronic illness, it's just the idea of a chronic illness is specific in itself to where it's a diagnosis that often has no cure.

00:03:14.688 --> 00:03:24.679
But is something that we can work on both, you know, medically and holistically and naturally, and calm our bodies, calm the symptoms.

00:03:24.949 --> 00:03:29.808
And it's also something that we have to always keep at least one eye on because as life.

00:03:30.463 --> 00:03:33.003
It goes, Some things are gonna be stressful.

00:03:33.003 --> 00:03:34.354
We're gonna have things happen.

00:03:34.359 --> 00:03:40.623
As you know, life is, and we always have to keep an eye on, okay, how is this affecting my health?

00:03:40.954 --> 00:03:42.484
How is this going to affect my health?

00:03:42.484 --> 00:03:49.294
How do I need to moderate what I'm doing or what's going on on our lives to make sure my health stays okay?

00:03:49.294 --> 00:03:53.313
So it's the idea that with a chronic illness, you're always.

00:03:53.709 --> 00:03:59.528
Taking an inventory of what's going on with your life and looking at how you can minimize that stress.

00:04:00.054 --> 00:04:00.503
Awesome.

00:04:01.010 --> 00:04:27.769
Well, one thing that drew me to Andrea was her work on the inner critic, and I know with my clients, This comes up a lot because I work with those that want to lose weight, and so we often talk to ourselves horribly because we feel like this weight, it's all quote unquote, our fault, and so we're very, very critical of that.

00:04:27.769 --> 00:04:30.108
So let's jump in with that.

00:04:30.139 --> 00:04:34.139
Tell us how you define the inner critic and where does that come?

00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:38.581
So I define the inner critic as really that.

00:04:39.750 --> 00:04:44.130
It's within that ecosystem that we all have in our minds, right?

00:04:44.130 --> 00:04:55.831
That that dialogue that we have going and what we're saying to ourselves, and sometimes it's something that's totally normal, like, Oh, I need to figure out what.

00:04:55.946 --> 00:04:57.565
I'm gonna have for dinner tonight.

00:04:58.045 --> 00:05:05.935
And sometimes that dialogue says something like, Oh, I better make sure I don't eat pasta because that's gonna make me fat Right?

00:05:05.935 --> 00:05:06.266
It's

00:05:06.286 --> 00:05:06.766
mm-hmm.

00:05:06.836 --> 00:05:20.146
sometimes it's just normal dialogue and sometimes it comes in and says things that are horrible and not even necessarily true and mean, and make us feel just deflated.

00:05:20.295 --> 00:05:24.596
Deflated, I want, I'm meant to say, deflated and defeated.

00:05:25.047 --> 00:05:36.401
And so sometimes our dialogue is just gonna be something that's normal and sometimes it's gonna be something that's really horrible and really mean and it's just going to make us feel defeated.

00:05:36.961 --> 00:05:39.872
And so that is when the inner critic comes in, right?

00:05:39.872 --> 00:05:44.041
The inner critic is that voice, I like to call it the inner mean girl.

00:05:44.721 --> 00:05:45.331
mm-hmm.

00:05:45.377 --> 00:05:48.406
that voice that is, it can be anything, right?

00:05:48.406 --> 00:05:54.137
It can be repeating something that we heard when we were five from our, you know, teacher.

00:05:54.166 --> 00:05:59.687
It can be repeating something that we just read somewhere on the internet, and we think that's true.

00:05:59.687 --> 00:06:08.057
It can, it can be saying all sorts of stuff and it plays on all of our, uh, insecurities and things that we're worried about.

00:06:08.872 --> 00:06:25.492
it's a voice in our head and it's a way that we talk to ourselves that often we have talked to ourselves like that for quite a while, and so we don't even necessarily realize that it is something that's happening because to us it just sounds normal and it just sounds natural.

00:06:25.851 --> 00:06:34.031
And it's not until we really look at it that we can tease out and realize like, Wow, I'm saying some really mean things and they're making me feel.

00:06:34.677 --> 00:06:35.456
Really bad

00:06:35.877 --> 00:06:36.487
mm-hmm.

00:06:36.716 --> 00:06:38.276
or really upset

00:06:39.177 --> 00:06:43.437
So sometimes you're saying it just is like the regular inner voice.

00:06:43.466 --> 00:06:50.156
We don't even realize how awful it is because we don't realize other people don't talk to themselves in that way.

00:06:50.156 --> 00:06:54.266
Or maybe that other people are having a different experience in their brains.

00:06:54.596 --> 00:07:04.377
Yeah, I mean it's, it's the regular dialogue that we have in our head and sometimes it can get really, really mean and chances are other people are doing it too, right?

00:07:04.617 --> 00:07:07.947
I think everybody can relate to.

00:07:08.137 --> 00:07:13.656
Talking to ourselves in a way that we would never talk to somebody else.

00:07:13.867 --> 00:07:15.576
Like I say things in my head, right?

00:07:15.576 --> 00:07:19.742
Like I say things in my head that I will never say to my friends, and I think we can all relate to that.

00:07:19.831 --> 00:07:22.172
And that is your inner critic.

00:07:22.232 --> 00:07:24.362
That's, that's where that's coming from.

00:07:24.362 --> 00:07:28.771
And as far as the origin of the inner critic, that's something.

00:07:30.326 --> 00:07:32.096
A lot of people have a lot of different theories.

00:07:32.096 --> 00:07:36.471
It depends on what, type of psychology you're seeing it through, right?

00:07:36.476 --> 00:07:38.961
What lens of psychology you're looking at it through, right?

00:07:38.961 --> 00:07:41.302
Some people say it's your ego.

00:07:41.307 --> 00:07:42.411
Some people say it's your it.

00:07:42.411 --> 00:07:45.048
Some people say that it's Different parts of your brain.

00:07:45.048 --> 00:07:51.257
I mean, there's so many different, you know, it's your lizard brain, It's, there's so many different ways to say where it came from.

00:07:51.737 --> 00:07:56.507
I think that it doesn't necessarily matter so much where it comes from.

00:07:56.507 --> 00:08:03.348
It just matters that it's there and what you're saying to yourself and that you can change it.

00:08:03.858 --> 00:08:04.278
Yeah.

00:08:04.908 --> 00:08:17.778
I sometimes think it comes from, and this, I mean, like you said, there's tons of different theories, but I often think it comes from that need to belong that we all have as part of our dna because we.

00:08:18.408 --> 00:08:23.747
really come from tribal ancestry, which is how the human race existed for so long.

00:08:24.017 --> 00:08:26.867
And we have this strong need to belong to the tribe.

00:08:27.228 --> 00:08:33.378
And so if someone doesn't like us, then that's certain death if you get kicked out of the tribe.

00:08:33.918 --> 00:08:39.375
And so I feel like some of that inner critic comes from making sure that we're liked.

00:08:39.738 --> 00:08:41.447
And so it's like, Don't do that.

00:08:41.447 --> 00:08:42.197
Don't do this wrong.

00:08:42.197 --> 00:08:43.038
Don't do that wrong.

00:08:43.248 --> 00:08:44.118
Don't look like that.

00:08:44.118 --> 00:08:45.048
Don't be like that.

00:08:45.467 --> 00:08:46.038
And.

00:08:46.717 --> 00:08:50.408
I wonder if it comes somewhat from that need to belong.

00:08:51.143 --> 00:08:51.832
Absolutely.

00:08:51.832 --> 00:08:53.842
And that's that lizard brain, right?

00:08:53.873 --> 00:08:57.023
That's our social self taking over.

00:08:57.173 --> 00:09:09.923
That is the ego that wants to make sure that we are accepted and we are doing things that are socially accepted so we don't kick, get kicked out of, like you said, like of the group.

00:09:09.923 --> 00:09:14.062
Because way back when that meant literally that we were.

00:09:14.456 --> 00:09:16.017
Gonna be eaten, Right.

00:09:16.022 --> 00:09:16.581
Right.

00:09:17.096 --> 00:09:18.297
whatever is chasing us.

00:09:18.746 --> 00:09:20.246
Uh, so yeah, I think it does.

00:09:20.246 --> 00:09:28.057
I think it's this idea that we need to conform either to societal norms, or to health norms.

00:09:28.517 --> 00:09:33.797
it can come from something that we very much want for ourselves.

00:09:33.797 --> 00:09:36.047
It can come from a very good place.

00:09:36.047 --> 00:09:41.206
It doesn't have to be, Oh, well, I have to keep up with the Jones's and so I'm gonna be mean to myself.

00:09:41.206 --> 00:09:46.157
It can come from a place of, I know it's really healthy for my body, for it to be.

00:09:46.892 --> 00:09:55.652
You know this way, or I know it's really healthy for me to not eat cheesy poofs or soda or things like that, right?

00:09:55.652 --> 00:10:09.032
It can come from a good place, but then it can get twisted into, if I have another can of soda, I'm gonna have a, you know, a heart attack and this is gonna happen, and why can't you stop drinking soda?

00:10:09.032 --> 00:10:11.011
And what's wrong with you that you can't stop drinking?

00:10:11.011 --> 00:10:11.731
So, Right.

00:10:11.731 --> 00:10:12.991
It can spiral

00:10:13.682 --> 00:10:16.711
It's the what's the, what's wrong with you statements.

00:10:16.741 --> 00:10:18.991
I think that are some of the worst.

00:10:19.381 --> 00:10:19.871
Yeah.

00:10:20.312 --> 00:10:32.371
But Yeah, when you're talking about food and thinking about what you're going to eat, and especially, I notice this a lot too with getting people that are quote unquote, getting into the gym, getting back to exercise.

00:10:32.965 --> 00:10:38.544
They think like if, if I'm not hard on myself, Then I won't do it.

00:10:39.115 --> 00:10:41.934
Or they think I, I have to be hard on myself.

00:10:41.934 --> 00:10:49.164
I have to think that I'm wrong in some way, that my body looks wrong, that I, you know, behave wrong.

00:10:49.615 --> 00:10:51.355
And that is what's motivating.

00:10:51.360 --> 00:10:57.054
If I love my body, if I love myself, I'm not gonna be motivated to do anything.

00:10:57.054 --> 00:11:03.085
And so they think that keeping up this mean dialogue is what's motivating.

00:11:03.414 --> 00:11:03.774
Right.

00:11:04.090 --> 00:11:11.919
We know as coaches that is completely untrue and possibly the exact opposite of the truth, but why?

00:11:12.190 --> 00:11:21.740
Why do we continue as women especially to think that being so hard on ourselves is what's motivating us to get healthy,

00:11:22.129 --> 00:11:29.029
Yeah, and I think It's a very layered answer because on one level, this idea of tough love.

00:11:29.779 --> 00:11:44.659
Has very much been a part of our culture for a while, and the idea that I've gotta be tough on myself because I want this good thing to happen, and it's something where we can see short term.

00:11:44.899 --> 00:11:50.840
Gains, like sometimes this tough love approach to ourselves, right?

00:11:51.289 --> 00:11:57.379
Go ourselves or, or you know, making ourselves not be lazy and get to the gym.

00:11:57.409 --> 00:12:04.399
Um, with this example, sometimes that works, but the thing is, it is not gonna work long term

00:12:04.700 --> 00:12:06.590
Yeah, that's a short term solution for

00:12:06.664 --> 00:12:07.129
Yeah.

00:12:07.129 --> 00:12:16.580
And so really what we all need, you know, more than how long you work out at one time or even necessarily what you're doing.

00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:18.259
We need that consistency.

00:12:18.440 --> 00:12:19.899
It's the fact that we're doing it.

00:12:20.615 --> 00:12:27.634
Every day, every other day, whatever it is that you're, you know, you wanna do, it's the consistency that matters.

00:12:27.965 --> 00:12:45.544
And so, even though tough love can maybe motivate you, if it's something that you react to in a good way that can get to you, to the gym for the first month, two months, or whatever, it's not going to work for the consistent changes that you need for lifestyle.

00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:48.230
It's just not gonna work that way.

00:12:48.620 --> 00:12:50.960
And so we see that it works short term.

00:12:50.960 --> 00:12:57.590
And then because really on that deeper level, it doesn't make us feel good.

00:12:57.830 --> 00:13:04.039
It doesn't make us feel motivated in a loving, energetic way.

00:13:04.803 --> 00:13:05.823
That's not gonna work.

00:13:05.828 --> 00:13:07.956
And we start to see ourselves drop off.

00:13:08.985 --> 00:13:14.660
And then we go into another cycle of being mean to ourselves of, Oh, why can't I keep up with this?

00:13:15.051 --> 00:13:16.461
Why can't I keep doing this?

00:13:16.461 --> 00:13:17.571
Why can't, Right.

00:13:17.571 --> 00:13:18.260
And that just,

00:13:18.951 --> 00:13:21.171
again, with the, like, What's wrong with me?

00:13:21.456 --> 00:13:22.296
What's wrong with me?

00:13:22.296 --> 00:13:22.625
Right.

00:13:22.625 --> 00:13:29.405
So we think it works and it might work for some people short term, but it's not gonna work, I promise.

00:13:29.405 --> 00:13:31.566
It's not gonna work for a long term thing.

00:13:31.956 --> 00:13:38.826
And as far as why do we go there with the tough love, I think again, I think it's something that is baked into our culture.

00:13:39.066 --> 00:13:43.416
It's something you see, like how often do you see like, Especially going to the gym.

00:13:43.655 --> 00:13:48.846
How often do you see personal trainers doing things like boot camp and like, Let's go.

00:13:48.846 --> 00:13:52.505
We've gotta do this and, and it's a big problem, so we've gotta attack it.

00:13:52.505 --> 00:13:58.265
And I think it just kind of, it, it folds in with the, Let's go, let's go.

00:13:58.265 --> 00:14:01.385
And, and like, I had a trainer, what did he tell me?

00:14:01.806 --> 00:14:04.206
He told me Sweat is weakness leaving my body.

00:14:04.355 --> 00:14:04.926
That's what he told

00:14:04.926 --> 00:14:05.826
Oh, Oh dear

00:14:08.225 --> 00:14:18.125
But that can be a, a big part of that culture and we think that that's what we need because everybody that has these bodies and has this fitness level that we want.

00:14:18.966 --> 00:14:20.676
Seemingly are like that.

00:14:20.735 --> 00:14:23.765
So why can't we do that with ourselves and make it work?

00:14:23.765 --> 00:14:32.735
And so it's just, I think it's something that happens with this inner critic is not all of our thoughts are ours, right?

00:14:32.735 --> 00:14:37.686
Very few of our thoughts are unique to us and created by us.

00:14:37.806 --> 00:14:38.916
A lot of times.

00:14:39.186 --> 00:14:40.686
Our mind will just.

00:14:41.556 --> 00:14:48.816
Pull in thoughts that we hear from other people and other things, and we think it works and kind of adapt it to us.

00:14:48.875 --> 00:15:04.596
And so I think a lot of times if you looked at the mean thoughts that you had in your head, a lot of times, like when I'm talking with people and working with them on this, and they'll have, they'll be looking, I'll have them write them down, write down their thoughts, and they'll look at it and they'll be like, Oh my God, that's not even mine.

00:15:05.056 --> 00:15:07.635
You know who told me that my gym teacher in third grade told me that

00:15:08.350 --> 00:15:08.701
Oh, no,

00:15:08.985 --> 00:15:11.535
you know, like I can't believe I've had this in my head the whole time.

00:15:11.535 --> 00:15:23.745
But a lot of times our brain just kind of takes on other people's thoughts and other thoughts in our society that we hear, and that can be another, another reason for it, I think.

00:15:24.750 --> 00:15:33.691
On top of that, I think it's just, if you wanna go even deeper, I think it's just the idea that women are harder on themselves than men are.

00:15:33.990 --> 00:15:40.350
And women see in society that society is harder on women than it is on men.

00:15:40.831 --> 00:15:51.240
And so we internalize that and we, again put it into our thinking and our mindset, and it turns into being quite mean to ourselves.

00:15:51.301 --> 00:15:53.490
Much meaner, I think, than most men.

00:15:54.421 --> 00:15:54.870
Yeah.

00:15:55.530 --> 00:15:55.831
Yeah.

00:15:55.831 --> 00:16:00.600
And thinking that we're just gonna motivate ourselves by being mean.

00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:07.650
It really is kind of a form of willpower, which I always say is so similar to a muscle in that it fatigues.

00:16:07.980 --> 00:16:09.990
It fatigues over the day.

00:16:09.990 --> 00:16:20.071
It's why we rarely eat an entire chocolate cake for breakfast, but sometimes find ourselves doing that after dinner because that if we're just depending on willpower.

00:16:20.671 --> 00:16:25.350
which is to me a form of this inner critic, which is, you better do this.

00:16:25.681 --> 00:16:26.760
Hold on tight.

00:16:27.331 --> 00:16:31.530
It's, it's not a really kind way of looking at yourself.

00:16:31.561 --> 00:16:34.350
And so that willpower, it wears out.

00:16:34.350 --> 00:16:48.961
Whether it wears from, from morning till evening, or like you said over the month of, say, going to the gym, that willpower of getting yourself there by virtue of just being so mean to yourself, it's just gonna tire and.

00:16:50.160 --> 00:16:52.740
It's not a problem that willpower doesn't work.

00:16:52.951 --> 00:16:56.191
You just have to be fueled by a more positive emotion.

00:16:56.535 --> 00:16:57.046
Right?

00:16:57.076 --> 00:16:57.466
Yeah.

00:16:57.471 --> 00:17:08.715
And, and I think that when you have a better way of talking to yourself, when you have a better dialogue, that will encourage energy.

00:17:09.895 --> 00:17:18.090
And there's nothing wrong with willpower, it's just that it's not meant for things like diet working out.

00:17:18.211 --> 00:17:18.421
Like

00:17:18.615 --> 00:17:21.016
Not for long term success.

00:17:21.121 --> 00:17:25.260
that's just not what, it's what really the best way of using willpower.

00:17:25.651 --> 00:17:30.691
Um, and so when you change the dialogue, one of the things that.

00:17:31.361 --> 00:17:41.020
my clients say when we're doing this work is how much more energy they have, because you really can wear yourself down because these mean thoughts in your head.

00:17:41.020 --> 00:17:43.810
It's not like you're doing it in isolation.

00:17:43.816 --> 00:17:52.570
It's not like if you're sitting down and thinking about, Okay, I need to work out, and in that moment is when you're mean, but then all other moments, you're fine.

00:17:53.111 --> 00:17:54.280
That's not how it works.

00:17:54.286 --> 00:17:56.171
It's these mean thoughts.

00:17:57.385 --> 00:18:00.076
Running through your head constantly.

00:18:00.080 --> 00:18:03.955
They're like in the background, like you're not even really aware that they're happening.

00:18:03.955 --> 00:18:10.435
It's kind of like when you wear clothes, like when you wear your shirt, chances are you don't feel your shirt right now.

00:18:11.185 --> 00:18:15.655
It doesn't mean you're not wearing it, it just means that you're so accustomed to it and so used to it.

00:18:15.655 --> 00:18:18.476
You just don't pay attention to it because you don't need to pay attention to it.

00:18:18.955 --> 00:18:20.425
And that's the way our thoughts are.

00:18:20.605 --> 00:18:28.556
So as we have these thoughts, and a lot of times they're the same ones over and over again, and they're these mean thoughts that are creating emotions when we think them.

00:18:29.800 --> 00:18:36.941
But they're running in our heads and we're so used to them being there, we don't even really pay attention to them, and they just kind of run on this loop.

00:18:37.510 --> 00:18:51.490
And so that is constantly giving us little pings of feeling depressed and feeling upset and feeling deflated and all of these little things, and that robs energy.

00:18:52.605 --> 00:18:59.722
So say your client then, or any of our listeners are feeling that twinge of depression.

00:18:59.722 --> 00:19:11.333
Of course this isn't for clinical depression, but if we're just having a down day and we're like not really aware, could it be that constant dialogue in the back of our heads that we're not really aware of?

00:19:11.782 --> 00:19:17.613
And secondly, How do we become aware of it so that it can be changed?

00:19:17.613 --> 00:19:28.923
Which of course we don't wanna constantly jump to our, what we call in coaching, our intentional model, which is our intentional thought and feeling before we're really processing what's happening.

00:19:29.252 --> 00:19:34.923
But over time we do want to have a a different intentional thought.

00:19:34.923 --> 00:19:37.472
So how do we kind of make that switch?

00:19:38.285 --> 00:19:46.744
I think the first thing to really be aware of is that these thoughts are not unconscious thoughts, right?

00:19:46.744 --> 00:19:50.194
We're not completely unaware, never to be aware.

00:19:50.194 --> 00:19:54.005
It is very, very easy to become aware of what we're thinking.

00:19:55.994 --> 00:19:58.924
just has to be something that we pay attention to,

00:19:59.825 --> 00:20:05.734
I have to say, this is something I've been struggling with myself, I've noticed like a really flat affect lately.

00:20:05.734 --> 00:20:11.075
I've noticed I'm just kind of like depressed that like where I'm like, what is happening?

00:20:11.079 --> 00:20:18.305
And I'm just as we're talking, I'm like, is there something that I'm not, that I'm not hearing?

00:20:18.394 --> 00:20:20.494
And that's kind of what fueled that question.

00:20:20.855 --> 00:20:21.125
Yeah.

00:20:21.130 --> 00:20:21.285
So.

00:20:22.200 --> 00:20:29.507
I think that these thoughts that are going on in our heads absolutely can contribute to feeling, feeling depressed.

00:20:29.511 --> 00:20:29.686
Right?

00:20:29.686 --> 00:20:30.676
Little de depressed.

00:20:30.682 --> 00:20:35.866
Like you said, not like we're not talking clinical here, but you can feel depressed, right?

00:20:35.866 --> 00:20:38.356
Without it being like a big clinical situation.

00:20:38.461 --> 00:20:38.731
Right.

00:20:38.942 --> 00:20:39.751
It's an emotion

00:20:39.826 --> 00:20:40.727
It's an emotion.

00:20:40.727 --> 00:20:41.626
That's exactly right.

00:20:41.957 --> 00:20:56.626
And so these thoughts do contribute to these emotions, and just because we're not necessarily aware of them all the time, especially if you're coming into this and you're thinking, Wow, I might have been talking to myself like this the whole, my whole life.

00:20:57.076 --> 00:20:58.846
How do I really even know?

00:20:58.852 --> 00:21:02.747
It's because, you know, we're so used to it, we're not paying attention to it.

00:21:03.632 --> 00:21:05.326
but that's, that's the answer, right?

00:21:05.416 --> 00:21:07.156
All you have to do is pay attention.

00:21:07.696 --> 00:21:09.826
And so instead of.

00:21:10.727 --> 00:21:14.176
Launching into a big thing that can be overwhelming.

00:21:14.176 --> 00:21:23.727
To be honest, when we first start looking at how we're really talking to ourselves, it can get, alarming just how bad it is.

00:21:25.467 --> 00:21:30.057
I know I was horrified when I first really started looking at all the things that I was saying.

00:21:30.297 --> 00:21:33.866
I would say don't feel like you have to jump in and know all the things immediately.

00:21:34.356 --> 00:21:35.586
cuz that's gonna be overwhelming.

00:21:36.241 --> 00:21:40.932
but you can start with things like, like situations, right?

00:21:40.932 --> 00:21:47.051
So you can look at, a, I would go, I would even just start with something that's even more neutral.

00:21:47.051 --> 00:21:53.021
You don't even have to look at something where you know you're beating yourself up, but you can say like, Hey, I had ice cream for dessert.

00:21:54.342 --> 00:21:57.311
Let's just say, what do I think about that?

00:21:58.632 --> 00:22:01.751
What do I think about having ice cream for dessert?

00:22:02.672 --> 00:22:15.061
And you can just sit and write down, just make a list of all the things that pop up into your head, and the more that you write, I think the more aware you're gonna be of what you're saying.

00:22:15.092 --> 00:22:18.211
So it might be, at first your thought was, I like ice cream.

00:22:19.221 --> 00:22:20.902
I like chocolate ice cream.

00:22:21.321 --> 00:22:25.582
I want more ice cream than I was gonna really eat.

00:22:25.912 --> 00:22:28.551
And then you're gonna start to see if those thoughts are in there.

00:22:28.551 --> 00:22:31.251
It's gonna be, I always want more ice cream.

00:22:31.257 --> 00:22:34.221
I should never eat, I always eat more ice cream than I should.

00:22:34.221 --> 00:22:38.481
I, I eat too much ice cream sugar is bad for me.

00:22:38.481 --> 00:22:38.811
Right?

00:22:38.811 --> 00:22:41.092
You're gonna start to see that spiral.

00:22:41.362 --> 00:22:43.132
and I can tell you where all those come from.

00:22:43.132 --> 00:22:46.041
When we were talking about where things come from, that's the diet industry,

00:22:47.737 --> 00:22:48.547
Absolutely.

00:22:48.862 --> 00:22:56.842
I'm always like, get rid of those diet mentality thoughts whenever we hear those like should and should and can't and not supposed to and

00:22:57.126 --> 00:23:01.557
And I think the whole diet industry was built on that tough love, right?

00:23:01.557 --> 00:23:02.717
It's all of these little.

00:23:03.757 --> 00:23:13.686
Underhanded things like, you really shouldn't eat that because don't you love yourself and you really should lose weight because you could be so pretty if you lose weight.

00:23:13.692 --> 00:23:13.987
Right.

00:23:13.987 --> 00:23:20.521
It's, it's just that whole thing in that diet industry is, Predicated on this tough love dialogue.

00:23:21.001 --> 00:23:26.192
So that's a way to really dip in and there's all sorts of ways that you can do it.

00:23:26.291 --> 00:23:41.832
one thing I like to do with my clients is have them look at themselves in the mirror and then write down, And this, this is something that is a little bit sneaky cuz you think on it, on the surface like, Oh, that's easy.

00:23:41.832 --> 00:23:42.912
Just look at yourself in the mirror.

00:23:43.751 --> 00:23:46.332
Know that that can be really hard for some.

00:23:47.406 --> 00:23:48.017
Mm-hmm.

00:23:48.551 --> 00:24:00.791
so if you think, Oh, okay, I'm gonna do this exercise where I look at myself in the mirror and then start noticing what my thoughts are, If just the idea of that is off putting or like, No, no, no, no, I can't do that.

00:24:00.791 --> 00:24:01.422
There's no way.

00:24:02.172 --> 00:24:04.642
Notice the thoughts and why you don't wanna do it.

00:24:05.571 --> 00:24:05.817
right?

00:24:06.146 --> 00:24:10.106
What are often it's you're afraid of how you're gonna be talking to yourself.

00:24:10.106 --> 00:24:11.967
So what are those thoughts that you're afraid of?

00:24:12.596 --> 00:24:19.406
So you don't even necessarily have to look in the mirror if that's something that really bothers you, it can be, Okay, why don't I wanna look in the mirror?

00:24:20.231 --> 00:24:22.362
What am I thinking is gonna happen?

00:24:22.571 --> 00:24:23.501
What am I thinking?

00:24:23.501 --> 00:24:26.622
I'm gonna say to myself, that could be a good entry point.

00:24:27.041 --> 00:24:34.511
If looking in the mirror is something that is, it feels okay and feels good, look yourself in the eye.

00:24:35.592 --> 00:24:35.757
Right.

00:24:35.757 --> 00:24:37.616
And if looking at yourself, you in the eye.

00:24:37.616 --> 00:24:37.916
Right?

00:24:37.916 --> 00:24:40.946
And, and you can, you can up level every single one of those.

00:24:40.946 --> 00:24:49.497
But that's often a really good way to just start just having one instance where you can start looking at your thoughts surrounding that.

00:24:49.826 --> 00:24:56.247
And that can be a really good window into how you're talking to yourself and what that inter mean girl is saying.

00:24:56.707 --> 00:24:57.636
we don't have.

00:24:58.604 --> 00:25:03.044
You know, thousands of unique thoughts in our heads, in our every day, right?

00:25:03.044 --> 00:25:04.663
We have the same thoughts.

00:25:04.663 --> 00:25:22.094
And so chances are what you're thinking when you're looking at having ice cream for dessert or what you're thinking when you're looking at yourself in the mirror is the same thing you're thinking about when you're trying on clothes or when you're looking, if you're looking at the scale, if you're looking at a meal play, right, it's chances are it's the same type of thing.

00:25:22.304 --> 00:25:22.723
Yeah.

00:25:22.723 --> 00:25:25.545
Cause we're always like, you have like 60,000 thoughts a day.

00:25:26.338 --> 00:25:29.939
They're not a different 60,000 than what you had yesterday.

00:25:29.939 --> 00:25:37.679
You tend to say the same general mean things to yourself day after day after day, which is why it becomes so painful,

00:25:37.723 --> 00:25:38.144
right.

00:25:38.203 --> 00:25:40.213
I mean, think about it, how exhausting that would be if we had

00:25:40.469 --> 00:25:41.669
so exhausting,

00:25:41.923 --> 00:25:43.913
different thoughts in our heads every single day.

00:25:44.519 --> 00:25:49.199
but also so exhausting to hear that same mean one every day.

00:25:49.229 --> 00:25:57.749
And just because we're not aware of it doesn't mean it's not working in our heads and creating emotions and creating, uh, you know, the actions that we're doing.

00:25:58.612 --> 00:25:58.971
Yeah.

00:25:58.971 --> 00:26:04.461
So when we have this loud inner critic, like what do we see on the exterior?

00:26:04.571 --> 00:26:05.182
Mm-hmm.

00:26:05.695 --> 00:26:09.901
Like what is a common effect, of having a loud inner critic?

00:26:09.901 --> 00:26:12.000
What do, how do we see that show up in behavior?

00:26:13.166 --> 00:26:18.074
A lot of times it can quiet you, right?

00:26:18.574 --> 00:26:22.153
A lot of times my clients say, You know, I used to be so outspoken.

00:26:22.153 --> 00:26:30.584
I used to be so willing to answer the question or speak up in meetings or try new things or make new friends, right?

00:26:30.634 --> 00:26:40.124
It really, can inhibit us from being as outgoing as we normally are or speaking up as much as we are used to speaking up.

00:26:40.594 --> 00:26:49.023
It can make us mute ourselves because this judgment that is happening in our head can happen very quickly.

00:26:50.239 --> 00:27:02.088
And so if say you're in a group and you wanna speak up in your head very quickly, if this is kind of where your mean girl goes, you can realize this is what I wanna say.

00:27:02.689 --> 00:27:04.068
They're gonna think it's stupid.

00:27:04.074 --> 00:27:06.558
I don't really wanna say that and then not say anything.

00:27:06.828 --> 00:27:07.249
Right?

00:27:07.788 --> 00:27:09.769
And so it can really show up.

00:27:11.403 --> 00:27:22.473
Not being able to say your opinion, not feeling like you have a voice, or that you can really speak your mind because you're afraid of what other people are gonna think.

00:27:22.479 --> 00:27:22.773
Right?

00:27:22.773 --> 00:27:32.463
It plays out and really being worried about, it's that social self right that we were talking about before, that lizard brain where you, it can show up as being very afraid of what other people think of you.

00:27:33.038 --> 00:27:35.769
which is why again, you kind of mute yourself.

00:27:36.128 --> 00:27:46.749
It can show up in lack of confidence, in insecurities, in not necessarily following through with a lot of things, right?

00:27:46.749 --> 00:27:48.909
Getting to that specific a lot of times.

00:27:49.233 --> 00:27:58.503
We're very good at getting to a specific spot in a goal that we're gonna have, and then falling off and then having to muster up that confidence.

00:27:58.503 --> 00:28:00.213
And then we feel like we're starting again.

00:28:00.483 --> 00:28:15.273
So we kind of feel like we're still, We're always doing the first like 25% of a goal before we fall off, and a lot of times it's our inner critic that is contributing to us falling off and not just getting back on and finish.

00:28:16.429 --> 00:28:17.138
Whatever that goal is.

00:28:17.169 --> 00:28:21.818
So there's a lot of things that are left, started, but never finished.

00:28:22.328 --> 00:28:22.598
Okay.

00:28:22.598 --> 00:28:23.298
That's me.

00:28:23.439 --> 00:28:24.999
I gotta do some inner critic work.

00:28:25.604 --> 00:28:27.939
I'm like, Andrea's describing me

00:28:28.838 --> 00:28:29.378
Yeah.

00:28:29.558 --> 00:28:30.969
I tend to be a starter.

00:28:31.778 --> 00:28:32.259
Yeah.

00:28:32.318 --> 00:28:36.999
In fact, someone asked me recently, so have you like, continued doing that podcast every week?

00:28:36.999 --> 00:28:38.588
And I'm like, um, yes.

00:28:38.679 --> 00:28:43.028
Like, and I was, and I thought, oh no.

00:28:43.388 --> 00:28:45.699
Does she think I'm not a finisher as well?

00:28:46.104 --> 00:28:46.493
right?

00:28:46.903 --> 00:28:47.394
Yeah.

00:28:47.483 --> 00:28:47.933
Yeah.

00:28:48.068 --> 00:28:51.519
Which then of course my inner critic is like, It's cuz you're not

00:28:54.308 --> 00:28:58.028
She doesn't think so because you're not, She knows.

00:28:58.239 --> 00:28:59.979
She knows.

00:29:00.009 --> 00:29:01.088
that's exactly right.

00:29:01.598 --> 00:29:02.108
Yeah.

00:29:02.138 --> 00:29:13.358
Cuz often when we, you know, when we start, if, I mean, and this is really any, any goal, but a lot of times when we start the goal, that's when we're doing things either in the background.

00:29:13.513 --> 00:29:17.324
Or we're doing things that not a lot of people are seeing either.

00:29:17.324 --> 00:29:39.848
If it's, let's say that's going to the gym, like the first 25% of that goal, you're not necessarily, you know, you're, you're building up muscle and you're feeling differently, but nobody's really seeing many changes and it, you know, once you get to that point, After that is when like your body starts to change and people start noticing things.

00:29:39.848 --> 00:29:44.739
People start really tuning into your podcast and asking like, Oh my gosh, what's next week?

00:29:44.743 --> 00:29:46.148
And, and where can I hear?

00:29:46.148 --> 00:29:46.479
Right?

00:29:46.479 --> 00:29:49.838
And that's when it starts to get a little bit more public.

00:29:50.348 --> 00:29:52.419
Whatever it is that you're doing, right?

00:29:52.423 --> 00:30:00.689
If you're changing how you're eating, you can start and do it just on your own or just figuring out how to do it when you.

00:30:01.193 --> 00:30:12.743
Cooking at your house, but then you do it for a certain amount of time, then you're gonna start to go out with friends and they're gonna see what you're eating or what you're not eating, and that's when you're gonna have to start making decisions more publicly.

00:30:13.134 --> 00:30:19.044
And our inner critic often will at that point be like, Well, what are people gonna think?

00:30:19.048 --> 00:30:20.544
And are you gonna be able to carry this on?

00:30:20.544 --> 00:30:26.364
Because if they start noticing you're doing this, what if you don't keep doing it and then they notice that you failed and that you don't do it.

00:30:26.364 --> 00:30:26.663
Right.

00:30:26.669 --> 00:30:30.023
It's, it's that whole inner critic hopping in.

00:30:30.223 --> 00:30:31.209
like, Uhhuh, Uhhuh.

00:30:31.209 --> 00:30:34.028
That's what mine sounds like it.

00:30:34.328 --> 00:30:34.538
it.

00:30:34.538 --> 00:30:43.016
sounds a lot too, like, what we sometimes call people pleasing, which is just saying yes when we mean no or the

00:30:43.040 --> 00:30:44.951
Absolute symptom of your inner critic.

00:30:45.010 --> 00:30:45.520
For sure.

00:30:45.701 --> 00:30:48.790
I mean, this is all how we're talking to ourselves, right?

00:30:48.790 --> 00:30:54.911
How we talk to ourselves is really like the epicenter of all of these other things, right?

00:30:54.911 --> 00:30:56.651
It starts with how we talk to ourselves.

00:30:56.655 --> 00:31:03.911
It start to starts with how we make ourselves feel with how we're talking to ourselves, and it resonates out to.

00:31:04.766 --> 00:31:05.576
Confidence.

00:31:05.726 --> 00:31:11.246
Two, You know when you have that confidence, you are more confident putting up boundaries.

00:31:11.246 --> 00:31:16.705
When you are confident putting up boundaries, you're not really people pleasing and you're confident, not people pleasing.

00:31:16.705 --> 00:31:24.715
And when you're not, you know, people pleasing, you're not worried so much about what other people are thinking and you're not taking responsibility for what people are thinking, right?

00:31:25.105 --> 00:31:27.925
And so this whole thing kind of resonates out.

00:31:27.925 --> 00:31:36.921
So when that epicenter is more positive, really having your own back it has that ripple effect where you're more confident and all these other things are happening.

00:31:36.921 --> 00:31:38.510
You feel more confident speaking out.

00:31:38.516 --> 00:31:40.046
You just feel more like yourself.

00:31:40.496 --> 00:31:51.175
But when that epicenter is you just tearing yourself down, which I'm gonna be honest, sometimes when we really, I mean, it's what happened when I started to really look at my inner critic, I, it was, it was a blood bath in there.

00:31:51.175 --> 00:31:51.806
It was horrible.

00:31:52.016 --> 00:31:52.955
It was horrible to.

00:31:53.721 --> 00:31:57.111
And I could see it rippling out into low confidence.

00:31:57.111 --> 00:31:59.721
When you have low confidence, you have some really bad boundaries.

00:31:59.721 --> 00:32:02.211
You do some serious people pleasing.

00:32:02.540 --> 00:32:05.240
You don't really follow through with things.

00:32:05.246 --> 00:32:07.580
You really worry about what other people are thinking.

00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:11.361
You don't necessarily make decisions for yourself.

00:32:11.361 --> 00:32:14.480
You go with the flow of what other people say you should be doing, right?

00:32:14.480 --> 00:32:17.451
So you start listening to other people more than you start listening to yourself.

00:32:17.451 --> 00:32:19.131
You start ignoring that inner.

00:32:19.661 --> 00:32:23.681
Guidance that we all have that really says what's best for us.

00:32:24.250 --> 00:32:28.711
And so it really is this ripple effect where the center of it all is how we're talking to ourselves.

00:32:30.040 --> 00:32:30.530
Yeah.

00:32:30.757 --> 00:32:34.416
It's so tricky for me when I think about people pleasing because.

00:32:35.196 --> 00:32:48.096
I worry, and maybe this is my inner critic worrying for me, that if I get to the point where I don't care what other people think, then is that selfish?

00:32:48.366 --> 00:32:52.326
Then I'm like, But then what will they think if they know, I don't care what they think.

00:32:52.446 --> 00:32:56.946
I'm like, Oh wait, I haven't gotten to the point yet, but

00:32:57.981 --> 00:33:00.592
I love that you just said that cuz that is absolutely true.

00:33:00.592 --> 00:33:06.682
Sometimes we overlook that and we think if I don't care what other people are thinking, I'm gonna be this menace to society.

00:33:06.682 --> 00:33:07.251
That

00:33:07.457 --> 00:33:07.876
Yes.

00:33:13.192 --> 00:33:13.852
Yeah.

00:33:13.852 --> 00:33:18.231
Like it's this, this worry about what other people think of us that keeps us in check and y.

00:33:19.162 --> 00:33:19.612
Yeah.

00:33:20.182 --> 00:33:23.451
Yeah, and I think that all comes from this.

00:33:23.842 --> 00:33:29.061
We're still looking at ourselves the way our inner critic kind of looks at us, right?

00:33:29.176 --> 00:33:29.336
Hmm.

00:33:29.551 --> 00:33:31.011
So, Right.

00:33:32.092 --> 00:33:33.382
She is everywhere.

00:33:35.122 --> 00:33:51.981
But here's the thing though, is once you stop looking at yourself through the lens of that critic and start looking at yourself through your authentic lens, we realize that it's not worrying what other people think that keeps us, quote unquote in check.

00:33:52.981 --> 00:33:56.041
It's our own sense of morality.

00:33:56.102 --> 00:34:03.872
It's our own sense of what is ethical and what is good and what is contributing to society and what we want to do, right?

00:34:03.872 --> 00:34:12.802
It's, it's this whole other area that our inner critic just kind of pushes aside and says like, That doesn't matter, that doesn't exist.

00:34:13.192 --> 00:34:19.161
But once you stop looking at yourself through that lens of the inner critic, you realize like, No, I am a good moral.

00:34:19.556 --> 00:34:28.016
Ethical person who just wants to do my best and you know, help in community do whatever it is that you wanna do.

00:34:28.016 --> 00:34:35.306
But chances are you're not this mena to society that is only being kept in check by worrying what other people are gonna think of you

00:34:37.961 --> 00:34:38.922
That's hilarious.

00:34:40.572 --> 00:34:52.572
Okay, so we've pretty clearly identified what it sounds like in our brains, how it looks on the outside, so, What do you have for some actionable things?

00:34:52.751 --> 00:34:55.211
We talked about writing some things down.

00:34:55.211 --> 00:35:05.422
When you're looking in the mirror, when you're thinking about certain actions, What else can we do to calm that inner critic, to, replace her perhaps?

00:35:06.001 --> 00:35:17.512
I feel like it's possible that she'll always be there, but I've learned to quiet her and and to ignore her more often than I used to.

00:35:17.702 --> 00:35:18.661
That's for sure.

00:35:19.612 --> 00:35:23.512
Yeah, I think it's a little bit of all of that.

00:35:24.501 --> 00:35:24.862
really.

00:35:25.132 --> 00:35:29.161
I think first and foremost awareness is.

00:35:30.186 --> 00:35:31.806
A big, big deal.

00:35:32.347 --> 00:35:44.693
So the idea of really being aware of what is happening in our heads is really important because without that awareness, we cannot.

00:35:44.873 --> 00:35:50.233
Take those steps to, soothe the inner critic, which is really what we're doing.

00:35:50.764 --> 00:36:05.824
so awareness is not to be, dismissed because it is a huge, huge part and depending on how much awareness you're starting with, a lot of times we just know that we're really mean to ourselves, but we don't necessarily know exactly how mean we are and exactly what we're saying.

00:36:06.378 --> 00:36:12.708
Yeah, the exact words, like it's not just, and it's not really enough to be like, Yeah, I know I have a mean girl in my head.

00:36:12.708 --> 00:36:14.929
Like, we really need to know what she's

00:36:15.318 --> 00:36:15.978
What she's saying.

00:36:15.978 --> 00:36:18.469
And so that step is actually very, very big.

00:36:18.858 --> 00:36:22.969
And like I said, it could be alarming and it can be a lot, It can be overwhelming.

00:36:22.969 --> 00:36:27.259
So it's actually something that I encourage people to take their time with.

00:36:27.889 --> 00:36:35.539
Don't get antsy, because just through that awareness we are able to kind of discard a lot of stuff.

00:36:35.539 --> 00:36:40.489
It's kind of like when you're cleaning out that, you know, we all have that drawer that has.

00:36:41.128 --> 00:36:45.929
Everything that we've put in it for years and we don't even know what's in there and we're scared.

00:36:45.929 --> 00:36:47.728
We're like, I know I need to clean that door out.

00:36:47.728 --> 00:36:49.349
I'm so scared what I'm gonna find.

00:36:49.349 --> 00:36:55.528
It could be like old slime from when your kid was like three just sitting there, right?

00:36:56.398 --> 00:37:02.699
And so we look in that drawer and it can be very easy for some things to just go straight to the.

00:37:03.469 --> 00:37:05.059
And like, don't even think about that again.

00:37:05.179 --> 00:37:08.898
Like I will, some things you're gonna find, you're gonna be like, Oh, maybe I wanna hold onto that.

00:37:09.318 --> 00:37:10.278
I don't know.

00:37:10.278 --> 00:37:11.778
What am I gonna do with it?

00:37:11.778 --> 00:37:20.268
And, and so some of the things in that drawer are gonna be, you know, you kind of wanna hold onto it even though you don't really know if it's helpful or, or useful.

00:37:20.478 --> 00:37:30.018
And then some stuff you know, is, you know, gonna be good and you wanna keep, and you can't believe you forgot about it in that drawer and you wanna put it in another place where you can use it every single day.

00:37:30.409 --> 00:37:30.619
Yeah.

00:37:30.648 --> 00:37:32.719
Cause not all our thoughts are terrible.

00:37:33.568 --> 00:37:33.918
No,

00:37:34.128 --> 00:37:34.619
Yeah.

00:37:34.619 --> 00:37:36.318
Let's not feel, let's not feel really bad.

00:37:36.324 --> 00:37:40.969
Everybody that's listening, not, not everything you think is coming from this inner critic.

00:37:40.969 --> 00:37:45.349
So yeah, some things in the drawer were like, Oh, I am good at this.

00:37:45.483 --> 00:37:46.023
this is great.

00:37:46.023 --> 00:37:48.514
Like this is a, these are like a really good pair of scissors.

00:37:48.514 --> 00:37:49.114
I forgot.

00:37:49.114 --> 00:37:51.454
We're in the drawer and I am totally gonna use it.

00:37:51.813 --> 00:37:56.403
So that's kind of like what happens when we start looking at our thoughts, right?

00:37:56.403 --> 00:37:58.833
Some thoughts, Just that awareness piece.

00:37:59.134 --> 00:38:03.693
It's gonna be like old slime thoughts that have been sitting there and you're like, Ugh, I don't even like this.

00:38:03.693 --> 00:38:05.103
I don't even know where it came from.

00:38:05.103 --> 00:38:09.063
Like who did even like, this doesn't even fit and it's gonna be very easy.

00:38:09.389 --> 00:38:22.318
Kind of release, so, So that awareness piece is really, really big and actually kind of a sneaky way to start getting rid of some of those thoughts that just aren't serving us, that are, you know, pretty mean.

00:38:23.398 --> 00:38:28.349
I think another piece is to realize that, yeah, we call it the inner critic.

00:38:28.349 --> 00:38:30.239
We call, you know, I call her my inter mean girl.

00:38:30.244 --> 00:38:36.208
Some of my clients name them You know, like I call her Madge I call her, you know, whatever it is.

00:38:37.398 --> 00:38:44.119
But knowing that it's not like this is some, you know, other worldly thing that just happens to be in our head.

00:38:44.179 --> 00:38:49.759
Like, this is our brain, this is us, this is a piece of who we are.

00:38:50.358 --> 00:39:04.713
And when you look at it from that perspective, There's not gonna be a piece, you know, And, and I think you, I'm sure you talk about this when you're talking about health, like just because we wanna change a part of our health doesn't mean it's an evil part of our body.

00:39:05.344 --> 00:39:05.643
Right.

00:39:05.643 --> 00:39:10.414
Just because I want my stomach to be smaller doesn't mean my stomach is awful and evil.

00:39:10.414 --> 00:39:11.523
It needs to leave.

00:39:11.528 --> 00:39:11.884
Right.

00:39:11.889 --> 00:39:12.903
It's not that at all.

00:39:12.909 --> 00:39:13.184
Yeah.

00:39:13.284 --> 00:39:14.514
Our mind is no different.

00:39:14.514 --> 00:39:24.864
So just because there's parts of our brain that are attacking us for whatever reason, or saying these mean things, doesn't mean that it's this horrible part of ourselves that needs to be just excised.

00:39:25.173 --> 00:39:29.789
It's even something that we need to embrace and love and figure out, like, okay.

00:39:30.969 --> 00:39:32.588
What is this really trying to say to me?

00:39:33.128 --> 00:39:34.838
What am I really trying to get at here?

00:39:34.898 --> 00:39:36.969
What is the motivation behind this thought?

00:39:37.449 --> 00:39:41.378
And that's when you can start to calm it down.

00:39:41.438 --> 00:39:44.974
Like I don't think the inner critic is ever something to completely.

00:39:45.224 --> 00:39:49.003
do away with, because there are some things that are gonna be.

00:39:50.503 --> 00:39:50.864
Right.

00:39:50.864 --> 00:39:56.204
Like our inner critic is the one that says, What are you doing going down this road?

00:39:56.324 --> 00:39:57.403
Like this is ridiculous.

00:39:57.403 --> 00:39:59.143
There's not a lot of street lamps.

00:39:59.414 --> 00:40:01.724
You could get hurt, there could be a problem here.

00:40:01.934 --> 00:40:02.744
What are you doing?

00:40:02.744 --> 00:40:03.853
You have to turn right.

00:40:03.853 --> 00:40:06.974
That is our inner critic that is coming from the same spot.

00:40:06.974 --> 00:40:08.684
And that is something that can be very helpful.

00:40:08.954 --> 00:40:11.634
It's just that it's getting a little bit, misguided.

00:40:12.268 --> 00:40:15.119
And I think that is another way to kind of look at it.

00:40:15.123 --> 00:40:18.259
It's not this evil part that needs to be squashed.

00:40:18.449 --> 00:40:22.139
It's something that just needs to be maybe guided a little bit differently.

00:40:23.244 --> 00:40:27.284
I think that, sometimes Disney, Pixar gets it a little too close to home.

00:40:28.228 --> 00:40:32.668
Because I swear that Inside Out movie, do you know the one

00:40:32.759 --> 00:40:33.208
I do.

00:40:33.748 --> 00:40:35.039
with all the little characters?

00:40:35.039 --> 00:40:36.628
It's like that disgust, right?

00:40:36.628 --> 00:40:39.509
She's green and she's always like, Seriously

00:40:40.199 --> 00:40:41.068
Yeah, exactly.

00:40:41.159 --> 00:40:41.248
What?

00:40:42.148 --> 00:40:43.949
And she's not like disgusted.

00:40:43.949 --> 00:40:45.268
Like that's a gross thing.

00:40:45.268 --> 00:40:51.378
She's like disgusted with herself, Really, she's disgusted with what's going on.

00:40:52.009 --> 00:41:01.128
And so sometimes my inner mean girl is green because she's green and I'm just like, There she goes again.

00:41:01.143 --> 00:41:01.753
Mm-hmm.

00:41:02.628 --> 00:41:09.259
And anyway, I just think those movies sometimes are, sometimes they're hard to watch cause they're

00:41:09.858 --> 00:41:13.619
Yeah, they're, I know they do hit a little, I mean, they're, they're getting really good.

00:41:13.619 --> 00:41:15.449
They hit a little close to home, that's for sure.

00:41:15.688 --> 00:41:16.978
But I think you know what you just did.

00:41:16.978 --> 00:41:21.449
There is a really good example of that awareness piece of like, Oh, there she is.

00:41:22.108 --> 00:41:23.849
There she goes saying this.

00:41:23.849 --> 00:41:29.708
And just by getting to that point where you can notice it, it stops being this.

00:41:30.103 --> 00:41:52.719
Undercover thought in your head that you don't even necessarily know is happening, creating this angst or whatever it is that you're feeling to something that you see and you notice is happening and It might still make you feel a little bit yucky, it's not rooted as much as it was because you are aware of it and because you're calling it out now, it could always spiral into something else to like, Why am I still thinking this?

00:41:52.719 --> 00:41:54.759
Why am I still talking to myself like this?

00:41:54.759 --> 00:41:54.998
Right?

00:41:55.003 --> 00:42:02.608
We can think of a million ways to beat ourselves up, but that awareness piece lightens that load just a little bit.

00:42:03.324 --> 00:42:09.864
Okay, so becoming aware and then we can just dismiss some as old slime

00:42:09.989 --> 00:42:10.188
little bit.

00:42:10.193 --> 00:42:10.418
Mm-hmm.

00:42:12.483 --> 00:42:19.588
Is there anything else that works for your clients that you find is helpful to replace some of these thoughts?

00:42:19.873 --> 00:42:24.764
I mean, the idea of replacing a thought with a better thought is always good.

00:42:25.123 --> 00:42:25.333
Right?

00:42:25.333 --> 00:42:27.423
It's always something that, we can look at.

00:42:28.384 --> 00:42:32.583
I think that we need to, We need to slow down.

00:42:32.673 --> 00:42:37.684
Sometimes our approach, sometimes we're very quick, like, Oh, this is a horrible thought.

00:42:37.684 --> 00:42:38.494
It feels really bad.

00:42:38.494 --> 00:42:39.364
I wanna replace it.

00:42:39.824 --> 00:42:50.443
I'm gonna go from, I look bad in these genes to, I look fantastic in these genes, and I love, you know, how my, legs look and we try.

00:42:51.028 --> 00:42:54.389
To just quickly flip it to something that's better.

00:42:54.778 --> 00:42:58.648
But the problem is that we don't believe that new thought.

00:42:59.458 --> 00:43:01.228
Yeah, I was just thinking that.

00:43:01.233 --> 00:43:02.489
I'm like, no one believes that

00:43:02.623 --> 00:43:04.244
And you can't do it.

00:43:04.594 --> 00:43:11.563
And so like, it sounds nice like a lot of times I know if you, you know, get on the Google and look up all these ways to be nice to yourself.

00:43:11.563 --> 00:43:15.914
They have like, people have lists of, instead of saying this, say this.

00:43:16.289 --> 00:43:16.708
Hmm.

00:43:17.268 --> 00:43:20.048
So often I look at those lists and I'm like, That's not gonna work.

00:43:20.048 --> 00:43:24.789
That's gonna work for like three seconds of feeling good, and then you're gonna go right back to it.

00:43:25.119 --> 00:43:27.489
Which is why I think some of those people stay in business, right?

00:43:27.489 --> 00:43:30.768
Because people are always looking for How can I be nicer to myself?

00:43:31.099 --> 00:43:36.858
Because all the things out there are these quick little things that we don't really believe that don't work for very long.

00:43:36.858 --> 00:43:40.489
And so we're backed on it looking, Okay, well how can I be nicer to myself?

00:43:40.489 --> 00:43:42.018
Because that was great, but doesn't really.

00:43:43.119 --> 00:43:46.298
I think that is what they call toxic positivity.

00:43:46.903 --> 00:43:48.563
Yes, absolutely.

00:43:49.478 --> 00:43:57.548
And I always, yeah, I always make it clear with my clients that I am not a positive thinking coach.

00:43:57.579 --> 00:43:59.289
I'm an intentional thinking.

00:43:59.289 --> 00:44:07.259
Some, some of our intentional thoughts don't feel amazing because some of our intentional thoughts are like, I'm choosing.

00:44:08.253 --> 00:44:13.833
to eat this or do this because I know it's good for me but it might be uncomfortable.

00:44:13.833 --> 00:44:21.664
Or just even things like getting on podcasts, like I'm a little nervous and I'm gonna do it anyway.

00:44:21.664 --> 00:44:23.014
So it's an intentional thought.

00:44:23.693 --> 00:44:24.114
Yeah.

00:44:24.128 --> 00:44:30.559
Right, because positive thinking, positive thoughts are usually thoughts that give us happiness, basically.

00:44:31.039 --> 00:44:37.099
But not all of our intentional thoughts need to lead to super, super positive emotions.

00:44:37.159 --> 00:44:44.059
Some of'em are just like discomfort, determination, because that's what we want to do in our long term goals.

00:44:44.373 --> 00:44:50.228
Well, and and to be clear, I'm very much into the positive mindset.

00:44:50.228 --> 00:44:53.798
I think positive mindset is something that is essential.

00:44:53.798 --> 00:45:01.478
I think it's something that is helpful, but I think it's something that, it's like any instrument, you have to be careful how you use it.

00:45:01.869 --> 00:45:09.548
And in that toxic positivity is the idea that you're thinking something, you're believing something.

00:45:09.998 --> 00:45:23.949
It's not great, may or may not be true, but it's making you, you know, those thoughts are making you feel not great and you wanna flip to something positive because it sounds great and it does initially give you that little shot of feeling good.

00:45:25.134 --> 00:45:34.523
but you're not gonna be able to stay there because you haven't, you haven't processed all of those feelings that your previous beliefs have given you.

00:45:34.853 --> 00:45:44.664
And the idea that positive thinking and just being positive is all about positive emotions is not necessarily true.

00:45:44.664 --> 00:45:49.733
It's actually a very positive thing to process negative emotions.

00:45:50.123 --> 00:45:52.463
And I know that sounds like a you.

00:45:53.693 --> 00:45:57.264
Irony, but, I don't even know if that was the right word, but

00:45:58.793 --> 00:45:59.393
I think so.

00:45:59.423 --> 00:46:00.023
I think so.

00:46:00.023 --> 00:46:00.324
Right.

00:46:00.324 --> 00:46:10.753
It sounds like it shouldn't, like, you shouldn't have anything to do with negative thoughts because negative thoughts are bad, but negative thoughts that aren't felt.

00:46:10.963 --> 00:46:11.083
much.

00:46:11.083 --> 00:46:11.643
They don't.

00:46:12.364 --> 00:46:20.858
are what's bad negative thoughts that are just emotions that are allowed to run through your body and be felt like every other emotion.

00:46:21.248 --> 00:46:26.048
That is a very positive thing to do with negative emotions.

00:46:26.438 --> 00:46:31.088
And if you wanna go further, really there are no positive or negative emotions.

00:46:31.088 --> 00:46:32.768
They're all just emotion.

00:46:33.409 --> 00:46:36.168
they're all just energy moving through your body.

00:46:36.498 --> 00:46:59.724
And if you suppress it, if you push it down, if you try to deflect and you don't wanna feel it because you wanna think something positive, that is going to negatively affect you, If these emotions are something that you feel and you allow yourself to, just like you, allow yourself to laugh freely, you allow yourself to cry, you allow yourself to feel afraid, which is just okay, you know, just fine.

00:47:00.204 --> 00:47:08.903
Processing those emotions is a positive thing for your body, and that is truly what goes into that positive mindset.

00:47:08.903 --> 00:47:13.733
So it's not overlooking feeling negative, it's not overlooking that you're saying mean things to yourself.

00:47:15.039 --> 00:47:22.628
being able to process that and then moving onto something that you believe that's just a little bit better.

00:47:22.748 --> 00:47:25.059
It doesn't have to be jumping to rainbows and unicorns.

00:47:25.059 --> 00:47:36.309
It can be something that's a little bit more neutral, but just moving away and kind of intentionally moving onto a thought that's a little bit better feeling, but it's not ignoring the fact that you have these thoughts.

00:47:36.313 --> 00:47:38.528
It's not running from the fact that you have these thoughts.

00:47:38.528 --> 00:47:43.239
It's not ignoring or pushing back on the negative emotions that these thoughts create.

00:47:44.034 --> 00:47:52.494
I love that distinction between having a positive mindset and just thinking positive mantra thoughts, which is that toxic positivity.

00:47:52.494 --> 00:47:53.514
Totally different.

00:47:53.693 --> 00:47:54.414
Totally different.

00:47:54.443 --> 00:47:54.804
Yeah.

00:47:55.764 --> 00:47:56.094
Okay.

00:47:56.094 --> 00:47:58.884
This has been so informative, so fun.

00:47:59.193 --> 00:47:59.994
So great.

00:48:00.043 --> 00:48:06.704
Why don't you tell us where people can connect with you more, learn more, little more about your podcast.

00:48:07.619 --> 00:48:14.309
My podcast is Live Your Life, Not Your Diagnosis, and it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts.

00:48:15.028 --> 00:48:21.329
I have my book is Live Your Life, Not Your Diagnosis, and Stop Carrying the Weight of your ms.

00:48:21.329 --> 00:48:24.119
Both of those are available wherever you get your book.

00:48:24.614 --> 00:48:40.844
Amazon or any other bookstore, and you can connect with me by going to just my website, AndreaHansoncoaching.com that is H A N S O N coaching.com, and that's where you can find my podcast.

00:48:40.844 --> 00:48:45.043
You can find my books, you can connect with me, you can stay in touch with me.

00:48:45.344 --> 00:48:53.173
And I am also opening up a wait list for an upcoming online course that I have coming.

00:48:53.989 --> 00:48:54.648
January.

00:48:54.648 --> 00:48:57.559
So that is also where you can find out more information about that.

00:48:58.739 --> 00:48:59.998
And what's that course about?

00:49:00.498 --> 00:49:02.659
the course is live your life, not your diagnosis.

00:49:02.659 --> 00:49:08.268
It's based on this method that talks about healing your inner critic.

00:49:08.273 --> 00:49:10.579
It talks about positive mindset.

00:49:10.583 --> 00:49:20.739
It talks about, Really creating the mindset that can help us going forward in creating whatever changes that we need in our lives.

00:49:20.739 --> 00:49:28.449
So increasing that confidence and allowing us to stop the people pleasing, allowing us to put up those boundaries, right?

00:49:28.449 --> 00:49:32.889
Stop worrying what people are thinking and do what we know.

00:49:32.949 --> 00:49:39.759
What our inner authentic voice knows is good for us in making changes that can help us improve our.

00:49:41.213 --> 00:49:41.664
Awesome.

00:49:42.204 --> 00:49:42.983
Thank you so much.

00:49:42.983 --> 00:49:50.637
I really appreciate you coming to be on my podcast and just sharing your wisdom with my listeners, so thank you so much.

00:49:50.802 --> 00:49:51.911
Thank you so much for having me.

00:49:51.911 --> 00:49:53.431
This was super, super fun.

00:49:54.177 --> 00:49:54.567
All right.

00:49:54.567 --> 00:49:55.286
Talk to you later.

00:50:00.572 --> 00:50:02.043
hey, thanks for listening today.

00:50:02.342 --> 00:50:07.523
If you're ready to get some personalized coaching from me, I'd encourage you to schedule a free strategy session.

00:50:08.193 --> 00:50:15.782
Visit www.wellwithlisa.as.me or it's easier just to find that link in the show notes.

00:50:16.112 --> 00:50:19.322
We'll talk about where you currently are with your weight loss goals.

00:50:19.563 --> 00:50:21.422
And I'll give you some actionable tools.

00:50:21.603 --> 00:50:23.663
You can start implementing right away.

00:50:24.371 --> 00:50:29.041
Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive new episodes, right when they're released.

00:50:29.431 --> 00:50:34.581
And if you're learning something new and enjoying the podcast, I'd love for you to leave me a five star rating and a review.

00:50:34.911 --> 00:50:40.262
Thanks again for joining me, Lisa Salisbury in this episode of Eat Well, Think Well, Live Well.
Andrea W. Hanson Profile Photo

Andrea W. Hanson

Author, Speaker, Master Certified Life & Mindset Coach

Andrea W. Hanson is a motivational speaker and the author of two books about having a positive mindset while living with a diagnosis; “Live Your Life, Not Your Diagnosis” and “Stop Carrying The Weight of Your MS”. She’s also a master certified life & mindset coach who’s lived with multiple sclerosis for over two decades. Her podcast, “Live Your Life, Not Your Diagnosis” features conversations with people who are creating extraordinary lives while living with chronic illness.
Andrea teaches people how to tune out the noise of their inner critic and listen to their authentic voice so they can feel confident in their ability to make changes and create the life they want. Her upcoming online course uses the Live Your Life, Not Your Diagnosis method to help high achievers living with a chronic illness to create self-care, deeper confidence, and helps them get back to feeling like themselves again. Get more information and join the waitlist at AndreaHansonCoaching.com/waitlist.