Why Sex is Part of Living Well with Christian Sex Coach Amanda Louder [Ep. 66]

Lisa: 0:00

This is the Eat Well, Think Well, Live Well podcast. I'm lisa Salsbury. and this is episode 66. why sex is part of living well with christian sex coach amanda louder Welcome to Eat Well, Think Well, Live Well; the podcast for women who want to lose weight, but are tired of counting and calculating all the food. I'm your host, Lisa Salsbury. I'm a certified health and weight loss coach and life coach, and most importantly a recovered chronic dieter. I'll teach you to figure out why you are eating when you aren't hungry, instead of worrying so much about what you are eating. Welcome to the eat well, think well, live well podcast. I have Amanda louder here today, which I'm super excited. We met last year at a conference. I'm going to let her introduce herself, but she's a Christian sex coach. One of the pillars that we talk about on the podcast is living well, and Typically the live well episodes are exercise and sleep and other lifestyle things. And a topic that we have not covered is our sexual lives and how that helps us live well. So Amanda is here to help us with that today. I could not be more thrilled. So welcome to the podcast, Amanda.

Amanda: 1:13

Thank you, Lisa. I'm so happy to be here with you.

Lisa: 1:16

Why don't you start off with your story and how you came to this, because it is a fairly unusual niche in our life coaching world.

Amanda: 1:24

It is. It is. It is not one that I ever anticipated being a part of that. Um, so I grew up in a conservative Christian home where we just really didn't talk about sex. A whole lot. And, um, so I didn't really know a whole lot about it going into my first marriage at the ripe old age of 19. Um, I entered into that marriage, basically knowing the basics of intercourse and that was it, but not understanding myself or my body or. You know, more about sexuality. And so sex became a really, really hard part of that marriage. something I, I didn't understand why he wanted it all the time. I didn't understand why I didn't want it anymore because before we got buried, like it was, you know, we had a hard time keeping our hands off of each other, but then we get married and like, all of a sudden it just disappeared this desire. And so I pretty much hated sex for a very long time. I would. You just refuse and refuse as much as I possibly could. And then finally give in to just get them off my back for a little while. And, um, I didn't experience a lot of pleasure with sex. I didn't have an orgasm for 12 years. So it was just a really hard part of our marriage. I would definitely can. I really thought I could just like go the rest of my life without sex and be totally fine. And, um. When the marriage was getting harder and harder, I thought, well, maybe if the sex gets better, then our marriage will get better. And so I decided to start learning more about myself and my body and pleasure and what sex can be like. And, um, I. Finally bought myself a vibrator. I actually bought for Amazon and discovered that, oh, my body could do things that feel really good. And finally had my first orgasm 12 years in and

Lisa: 3:14

still in the first marriage.

Amanda: 3:16

this is still my first marriage. So, and the sex got better, but the marriage was still pretty terrible. So we ended up getting divorced after 13 and a half years. And then I met my husband, Kevin, and, um, we talked about sex very openly in our relationship before we got married because we wanted to make sure that we were compatible and we'd both been married before. So it was something we knew a little bit more about than our first marriages. And we have always made sex a really important part of our relationship. Fast forward, you know, we were, we'd been married, gosh. About five or six years. And I decided that I wanted to become a life coach. And I started out coaching women who were struggling in their marriage and contemplating divorce. And, I quickly realized that a lot of women were struggling because of sex and saw myself in them. And so I started coaching a lot on it and I ended up going on a girls. Weekend with a bunch of other coaches. And by the end of the weekend, they were like, Amanda, you have to change your niche to sex because we've learned more about sex from you in this weekend than we have in 15 to 20 years of marriage. Because when I started out, you know. trying to understand myself better. I started reading and studying and learning about sex, and that never stopped. because I wanted it to continue to be a good part of my second marriage that I was always reading, like I have an entire bookshelf full of sex books and marriage books. And so I have a lot of knowledge. And so I was, but even then I was like, Oh, I don't know if I can do that. That sounds really scary. And, I really thought about it and I talked to my husband about it and he was supportive. And so I went all in and started coaching on sex and my business exploded and it's been really good since. So,

Lisa: 5:02

What do you see as the most common reason people come to you as far as when you say, I realized other women were struggling, what are they struggling with?

Amanda: 5:12

Um, a lot of women just don't have a lot of desire for sex, and it's really baffling to them because they had probably like, just like I did had so much desire before they were married. and then it just kind of goes away and they don't know why. And so that's the biggest thing is the like lack of desire and desire discrepancies in their marriage, you know, they have. A higher desire spouse and there's always a higher desire and lower desire spouse in really any part of marriage. Like you have one spouse who wants sex more. You have one spouse who wants a baby more. You have one spouse who wants to buy a certain house more. You want to have, you know, there's always higher desires for different things. And those desires kind of drive the relationship in that area. And. It's the same in sex. So a lot of women say they're the lower desire partner, or even they would say low desire. Many women are a lot like I was where they're like, I would be fine if I never had sex again. And so we've got to pick that apart and figure out. Why? Because that's not, it's very common, but it's not normal. And there's always reasons why you don't have a lot of desire and understanding those reasons and then working to overcome them is the way to getting it back.

Lisa: 6:31

So That kind of makes me think, then why though, why not just be the one that you're like, I could have just been happy without sex for the rest of my life. What about sex inherently is part of living well? Why do we want to, I mean, why do we want to have sex? And I think you're probably dealing a lot with people who are like, I want to want to.

Amanda: 6:55

Yes, yes, I have a lot of those.

Lisa: 6:57

Um, but why do we even want to? what is the reason that it's part of our, well balanced life?

Amanda: 7:05

Yeah. So I think there's a couple of things with that. One, I think our sexuality is an inherent part of who we are. It's part of just being human is having that sexuality. And when we are not embracing it and not, um, you know, really using it to its fullest within our relationships. We're missing out on that vital part of ourselves. And so then we're out of integrity or because integrity is really about wholeness. And so if we are just like, nope, don't need that part, doesn't matter if it exists or not, then we're missing a piece. And so we're not whole. And so we're out of integrity with ourselves. The second part is. that sexual energy that we have and we were all born with is eros energy. It's the life-giving energy. So eros, we, we kind of talk about it like erotic energy, right? But it's just the life giving of giving energy. It's the creativity, it's the thing that brings us joy in our life. It's what drives us to be better in different areas, whether that's our hobbies or our work or our kids or whatever. If we're not. Fully embracing that part of ourselves, then we're missing out on it. I get a lot of women who are like, I just feel like something's missing. It's not my sexuality. I can guarantee you that, but something is missing. And I'm like, Oh, okay, let's see. And so they're like, you know, like, Oh, I need to go back to school or I need to try new hobbies or start a job or whatever. And what they're actually missing is really this, this arrows to energy and the sexuality because eros energy is powerful. And if we are not utilizing it, we're suppressing it. And it takes a great amount of energy to suppress eros energy. And so I always say like when sex gets better, everything gets better because you're not using all of this energy to suppress that, even if you don't know it. And it's just, you're letting it You know, run free and be beautiful and amazing and guide you in so many areas of your life.

Lisa: 9:09

Wow. Okay. We should, now we all want to.

Amanda: 9:14

Yeah.

Lisa: 9:16

So, um, how, how do you think that sex relates then in sort of, when you say like, it's all part of your creativity, I'm just starting to wonder, like, if we have a healthier relationship with our sex life, how would that translate into having even a healthier relationship with food or even with our bodies?

Amanda: 9:40

Yeah. I mean, when you're, I always say there's, it's kind of a spectrum, right? We either go into pretty much anything we go into indulgence or repression. And what we need is a healthy balance. So, like, a lot of times, we will swing from one end of the pendulum to the other, because, like, well, I don't want to indulge, so I'm going to completely repress. Does that sound familiar with food? Right? And I think it's that same mentality with our sexuality. Like, I don't want to indulge in my sexuality. I don't want to act outside of my value systems. I don't want to do things that I, like, Because we think, you know, sexuality is the gateway to hell sometimes or different things. And so really like, okay, well, I can't, I can't be that way. So I have to go all the way to the other end of the spectrum instead of finding that healthy balance. With, um, all areas of our life. And I think our sexuality is just part of that. So once you can find that healthy balance within your sexuality, I'm not indulging, but I'm not repressing. I'm really embracing all aspects of it. I'm making conscious choices. Then that's going to translate to other areas. I, I say the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. So, If you are making, you know, good balance to decisions, you have awareness around what's happening. If you're making empowered decisions to not indulge or repress, but just finding what works for you and what's best for you. That's going to translate into food, exercise, everything else with our health. Yeah.

Lisa: 11:15

Yeah. From a real like health standpoint, I've heard a lot of You know, you see things on Instagram and whatever the internet generally speaking that, you know, so many ejaculations a month help prevent prostate cancer and this sort of thing. Is there things like that for women? Like so many orgasms a month can, like, is there anything like that? Do you know what I'm saying?

Amanda: 11:41

Yeah. I mean, I don't know if there is necessarily like a number, but, I think, and this is just like from my own experience, there's no like scientific reasoning behind this, but I think a lot of times the reason why women have so much anxiety is because they're not having enough orgasms because orgasms are very anxiety reducing.

Lisa: 12:04

Tell me more about that.

Amanda: 12:05

well, I mean, um, You know, so many women these days have just so much anxiety and they don't know how to deal with it. And they don't know why it's there and what's happening. But yet, like, I've noticed the more, orgasms I have, my anxiety goes down a lot. I'm just able to deal with things in a lot healthier way because my body is getting this release of energy and hormones and endorphins and stuff. And endorphins are really good for anxiety, just like running.

Lisa: 12:35

I love to talk about, we talk about hormones a lot on the podcast. Just all the, all the different, there's so many buckets of hormones. Is there anything more you can tell us about the hormone interactions that happen with an orgasm.

Amanda: 12:49

Yeah. So, I mean, you get, like the released of oxytocin, which is the love hormone, right. That bonds you to your partner. you get serotonin, like you make all these things that like feel so good in your body. also a lot of women like to blame their hormones for why they're not in the mood or, um, you know, why they're not feeling it. And that's rarely the case. It's. usually if your hormones are off, there's more things off than you just being in the mood. So like, I'm definitely go get them checked, but it's usually not that, but it really is like, like orgasms produce a lot of those feel good hormones. And so I think the more you can do that, the better you feel.

Lisa: 13:31

You think that that promotes any kind of. I'm always looking to increase my confidence. So not just reduce my anxiety,

Amanda: 13:41

Mm

Lisa: 13:42

anytime I can increase my confidence, I just find that that's one of the emotions that a lot of my clients are striving to have. Because when we're making decisions, especially about food, a lot of times they need to have the confidence to make the decision of like. I actually can decide how much to eat, when to eat. I'm the one in charge. I don't have to wait for someone else to offer me food or, or to eat because someone offered me food, right? Like all these

Amanda: 14:10

Mm hmm.

Lisa: 14:11

to do with confidence. I have to, cause I don't want to offend them. And I just sometimes think that sex has a lot to do with that. The more that it can increase our confidence. And how do you, how do you see that related to that emotion?

Amanda: 14:25

Yeah. I think I mean, when you're feeling good in your body and that doesn't matter, like what you look like, what your weight is, what your size is like, you're just feeling good in your body and you're showing up sexually in that way. Again, it's going to affect all the other areas of your life. If you can believe your spouse, how attracted they are to you, that's going to make you feel so much better in all areas of your life. And from that, you're going to be able to make better decisions about food or anything else. Like it just, it all goes together. I, that's why I say like, when the sex gets better, everything gets better because it really just does

Lisa: 15:03

So changing gears a little bit. One of the things I think that is kind of the reason I start with weight loss with clients. I tend to do a lot of general life coaching after a few sessions of weight loss coaching because It, we just tend to get into several other things, but what I notice is the work with food and bodies is really about the relationship with self. And I feel like sex is really similar because I think I've heard you talk about getting our relationship with ourself first. Is that accurate? Can you tell me a little bit about that and how that relates here

Amanda: 15:43

Yeah, absolutely. Um, I always start with relationship with self, with clients, because I think that's the foundation for a good sexual relationship. If you don't have a good relationship with yourself, if you don't have a good relationship with your body, if the way you talk to yourself isn't good, you're not having Intimacy with yourself. So like, if we don't want to know parts of ourselves because we don't like parts of ourselves, then we're not intimate with ourselves. So intimacy is all about being fully known and knowing someone else fully. And so when we don't have intimacy with ourselves, then we can't have intimacy with someone else. So, we always start with relationship with self, like, how am I talking to myself? What's that relationship like? Am I good to myself? Do I talk to myself well? Um, do I treat myself well? Do I, am I looking at the hard parts of myself and choosing to love myself? Anyway, not like, Oh, I don't want to look at that because that's not helpful or completely beating ourselves up for these parts of ourselves that we maybe don't like, but like, yes, I see that. And I'm choosing to love me anyway. And then we can move into more intimacy and relationship with spouse, like really exposing ourselves to our spouse and having them expose us. A lot of times when we're judging our spouse or not liking something about ourselves, it's because it's a reflection of something that we don't like in ourselves or we don't want in ourselves. And so when we have that better relationship with self and we can choose to love ourself, no matter what, then it's a lot easier to choose to love our spouse and love all parts of them. Even the parts that we don't necessarily like, really like the parts that are a little bit harder for us. And when you have a good relationship with self, and then you have a good relationship with your spouse, that sets you up to have the best sexual relationship because it's not just about positions or toys or, you know, different things. It's really about the deeper meanings that we create. It's about the intimacy and the connection and fully connecting mind, body, soul. And when you. If you can't see party of yourself because you're ashamed of that, or you don't want to see a part of yourself or of your spouse because you don't like it, then you aren't truly being intimate and then you can't expose everything in your sexuality and it becomes a lot more surface level. So yes, you might still have an orgasm, but it's not going to be as deep and connecting like good sex is really about the deeper meanings that we create within our sexuality. It's. Can I be open hearted and loving and trusting and really see all of both of us and choose to love in the face of, you know, hard things and things that we don't like when you have that deeper trust, those deeper meanings, the open heartedness, um, that Eros energy that we talked about where you're giving to each other really openly, that's what creates a really great, beautiful sexual relationship. It's not about. Orgasms and toys and all that, although those are fun too.

Lisa: 18:56

That's great. I think that is, it's just so connected to the work that we do with improving our relationship with food and ourselves and with our bodies. It really is all interconnected. I think it's kind of like you can start anywhere with Amanda and I are both life coach school trained coaches and it's like you can start anywhere. In coaching, like with any relationship that you're having. But if you start with yourself, whether it's to go down this better sexual path or better relationship with food, it'll be so much easier when you're starting to work on relationships with others and. Work and your boss and just everywhere else. Once you are really understanding the relationship that you have with yourself and creating more confidence and less anxiety and all of that, that goes with this, it's really going to be a great starting place and a great way to improve your life.

Amanda: 19:51

Absolutely.

Lisa: 19:52

Thanks so much for being here. two last questions. Number one, on that shelf of books, if people want to kind do a little bit more of their own reading, I'd love to know your, you know, maybe top three recommendations, and then if you could also tell people where to find you for more access to what you do.

Amanda: 20:11

Yes. So my top recommendation is always, come as you are by Emily Nagoski. It's such a great book that really, I mean, I think both men and women should read it, but definitely women. It talks a lot about, how women have a more responsive desire. So a lot of times we think a desire is just supposed to come out of nowhere. And that's what we call more spontaneous desire. But most women desire comes from context, which is creating things in our environment that can turn that sexual excitation system on. So what you're seeing, what you're smelling, what you're hearing, what you're tasting, what you're touching. And also what you're imagining and fantasizing. And that's a huge part of what we're working with. When I work with women is helping them create the context to create more desire in their life. So that's my number one recommendation always. Um, I also really loved the book. she comes first. It teaches women a lot about their bodies, but it teaches men how to pleasure a woman. 80 percent of women find the most amount of pleasure and have more, like better orgasms through oral sex. And so this is a book that kind of walks you through how to do that. And then probably my. Third favorite is Women's Anatomy of Arousal or Becoming Colliterate. So Women's Anatomy of Arousal is by Sherry Winston, and Becoming Colliterate is by Dr. Lori Mintz. And both of those are really teaching the women how to have pleasure in their bodies and really understanding the arousal process, the erectile network that we all have, um, the, all of the things that make us feel good in our bodies. So Those are my top recommendations.

Lisa: 21:59

I read come as you are, I think it was on your recommendation several years And I remember like talking with my husband, like, and then, and then I was this part and that part. And he you seem to really be enjoying this book, but I didn't get him to read it. So I should go one step farther and hand it over to him.

Amanda: 22:21

Yeah. It's a really great book. I think for, I mean, women to read, but men to, to understand their wives better because a lot of time men want their wives to have more of that spontaneous desire and there's no like spontaneous is not better than it. Responsive. It's just different. And so understanding that both are important and good and needed in relationships is really good. And that responsive desire is like, yes, we need something to respond to. So that's why it's so great for men to have that higher desire often. And that testosterone that's driving the want and desire for physicality in the relationship and creating the context for women to respond to. So You know, we can bless each other in those ways. so I have a podcast as well. It's called sex for saints. Um, there's nearly 300 episodes, so there's a lot to listen to there with lots of really good education and, helping you think differently about things. And then you can find me on Instagram at Christian sex coach

Lisa: 23:24

Perfect. I listen to Amanda's podcast pretty regularly. I don't know that I've listened to all 300, but I've listened to a lot, a lot of her podcasts. They're really good. And sometimes I have to say, um, if I have been feeling like not in the mood for a while, like, Oh, what's, what's going wrong with my desire? Sometimes I'm not saying Amanda's like creates desire for me, but just thinking about it more.

Amanda: 23:52

thinking about it. Yes.

Lisa: 23:54

And so sometimes I'll just listen, you know, three or four episodes in a row while a short episodes tend to be short. I'll just listen on a walk or something. And I'm like, Oh yeah, like I just get reminded of different topics and different things. So I do highly recommend Amanda's podcast. So you'll enjoy it.

Amanda: 24:10

Yeah, it creates the context to start thinking about it. Yep.

Lisa: 24:14

All right. Thanks so much, Amanda. We'll talk to you

Amanda: 24:17

for having me, Lisa. Bye bye.

24:19

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