Shifting Identities and Intentional Thinking with Stephanie Riles [Ep. 123]

0:00 This is the eat well. I think, well, live well podcast. I'm Lisa Salsbury. And this is episode 123 shifting identities and intentional thinking with Stephanie riles, Stephanie, as a registered dietician and a mindset coach here to help all of you perfectionist out there, break some of those ingrained thinking patterns. Even if you don't identify as a perfectionist, I haven't met a single woman in my practice that doesn't occasionally. Towards these all or nothing thoughts. Stephanie and I are going to be discussing the difference between intentional thinking and positive thinking. Plus learning to be the person that you want to be, rather than focusing so much on the doing part.

0:42 Welcome to eat well. Well, the podcast for busy women who want to lose weight without constantly counting, tracking, or stressing over every bite. I'm Lisa Salsbury, a certified health weight loss and life coach, and most importantly, a recovered chronic dieter here. You'll learn to listen to your body and uncover the reasons you're reaching for food. When you're not truly hungry, freeing you to focus on a healthier, more fulfilling approach to eating. Before we get into this episode, I want to tell you, I have some exciting news. I've created a new freebie for you. It's the what to do when you overeat three-part mini video training. This is going to help you feel in control of what you eat and know exactly what to do.

1:26 Whenever a slip-up happens. We are all human it's. Okay. The link for that is of course, right up top in the show notes. When you sign up for this free three-part video training, you will learn why you overeat and discover the real triggers behind it so that you can finally relax when food is around super helpful with the holidays coming up. You're going to be able to create future strategies so that you can have a plan in place the next time you overindulge. Because again, we're human, it will happen. You'll be able to plan your next bite so that if you have a slip up, you won't spiral into that guilty food frenzy session. You'll get access to the reset and recover guide that will help you put all of this goodness in writing to really clarify each step.

2:09 So you can feel confident and have a healthy relationship with food. These tools are going to transform how you think about food, and we'll give you the confidence to handle over eating without shame or regret. You're going to love it. Now let's chat with Stephanie Welcome back to the eat well, think well, live well podcast. I'm delighted to have Stephanie Riles here. She's a registered dietitian and mindset coach. She messaged me recently and I was intrigued. And so I said, yeah, come on on. Let's, let's have a chat. So she lives in Texas. So we both are enjoying still some lovely weather here the week before Thanksgiving, which is so nice. Um, I want to say welcome and if you could introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about what you do, that would be great.

2:55 Sure. Thank you so much for having me. Um, I am a registered dietitian, personal trainer, and a mindset transformation coach. I help female perfectionists who grew up on nineties music to beat self sabotage and lose the weight for good. So I do that inside of my fit figure formula program. I also have a podcast as well. Um, so I really like to teach mindset and help my ladies become the woman that can create the result. thank you so much for sharing that. Um, mindset shift is So do as well, just reframing thoughts. So one of the things that we talked about a little bit before is shifting your fitness identity and being that you work with both fitness as well as the nutrition side, there's obviously a lot you do with weight loss because that's generally what we're doing as a registered dietitian and personal trainer.

3:47 So tell me a little bit about this fitness identity and working with the perfectionists that you work with. So a lot of female perfectionists have a lot of all or nothing thinking there is No gray area. Everything is either black or white um, and I feel like there's a lot of what I call mind drama about the scale about Food about expectations that are not met and how things are supposed to go. And if those things are not met, then it means something about me. It means I am a failure, not just like this diet didn't work out, but I'm a failure because I keep trying this over and over again and I keep messing up.

4:30 There's something wrong with me. And so when we approach our fitness journey from that lens, We are always looking for the thing that we're doing wrong, or we're looking for the thing that might go wrong. And even when we actually get our goal, we're terrified that I'm not going to be able to keep this right. So that's the imposter syndrome that comes up. And so I help my ladies to shift from thinking that I'm going to start strong and then I'm going to fall off to being more trusting with themselves, to being more self disciplined, like building trust, love, confidence, um, consistency.

5:12 All of these are skills to learn. You're not just disciplined or you're not. And that's it. That's the all or nothing thinking. It's like, no, there's a bridge. I always, uh, use a bridge kind of as a illustration of like, here's point a. And here's even point B and there's all kinds of points in between those two points that you can graduate to versus just saying either I am disciplined or I'm not. And so I help them understand that they can learn these skills to improve their relationship with themselves, improve their relationship with health, fitness, food, the scale, and not be afraid that they're They're going to reach their goal and they're going to lose it.

5:57 Part of that too, I feel like is having those thoughts on the way down because I find that women think when I reach this goal weight, then I will be happy. And. What I think we're, what we both teach. And it sounds like what you're talking about is making those changes as you're on the way down to that goal weight, as you're on the journey, as you're going through this progress to make those mindset shifts, because your brain comes along with you. And if you beat yourself up all the way down the scale, you're still going to not like yourself. You're still going to be unhappy. And I say this all the time, like your brain comes with you.

6:40 And. Even if you reach that scale weight, if you still are in some self hate with your body or even with fitness, you're going to find something else wrong. Well, yeah, I've reached my goal weight, but I still can't do a pull up. Yeah, I've reached this goal weight, but I don't actually look the way I thought I would in these jeans. Like, you're still going to nitpick if you don't develop this confidence, love, and trust on the way down. And I kind of articulate that as those feelings that you want to feel are already available to you. It is your job to figure out how do I tap into confidence? Like what would make me feel confident right now?

7:21 What would make me feel self acceptance or love right now? And that is such a better use of your brain power to spend time there Thinking about how, what would that feel like? What would I need to think? What do I need to do in order to achieve that? And when you spend time there, what you're not thinking is I can't do this, or I need to hurry up and lose this weight. Like you can only think one thought at a time. So I try to get them to spend more time in their powerful thoughts and their intentional thoughts versus the Habitual thoughts that put them in a loop and make them feel bad and send them in the emotional spiral.

8:02 Yeah, I love that word intentional as well, because it is intentional thinking. It's not just positive thinking. It's not just cat posters and mantras because some of our intentional thoughts like put us in a little bit of discomfort. Like I'm going to reach out to, you know, a new person today and ask for this. Like, That's discomfort. Like I have clients that are like, I have to do this difficult thing. So it's not like, it's always positive thinking. It's not like, it's always going to be like rainbows and butterflies. It's intentional thinking. And I mean, the truth is like, I don't wake up and be like, I am so excited to go lift weights today. Like it's not actually my favorite workout.

8:43 I always like it when I'm done, which is what I tap into. But I, I have to have some intentional thinking in those points. I I'm not like, Yay. Let's go to the gym. It's so fun. Like, yeah. get it. I'm that way too. And I stopped, I try to stop calling it affirmations. I call it intentional thought creation because I really, when you say affirmation, people automatically think I am capable. I am enough. You're just gaslighting yourself. You don't believe that. So you can't just say things that you don't believe over and over again and make them true. Again, the bridge comes into mind. Like I teach them, how can I bridge the gap from like, I can't do this to, I can do this Um, and it's like, I am willing to try, I am willing to learn that feels more true, more, more authentic to yourself.

9:36 And when you can get your energy behind the sentence and think about how that expresses itself in your real life, then you can make progress versus just saying, I am so beautiful and you really don't believe that. So it's like finding the abundance that already exists. That's where we kind of start. Like, where's the abundance already existing without having to move, uh, any further than where you are now? And just thinking there's lots of ways we can bridge thoughts. I love that too. Like just opening up possibilities. What if this is true? Maybe I'm capable instead of just with the mantra, you just add on I'm becoming a person who, or it's possible that you just can add on any of these little qualifiers and it opens up your brain to solve that problem.

10:26 Because yeah, when you say I'm capable or I'm beautiful and you don't believe it, your brain just immediately shuts it down and is like, that's not true. And then offers you all of this evidence of how it's not true. Didn't you see that picture you took the other day? It was terrible. Right? Like, I don't know. I live with that kind of mean brain, but, um, she I've put her in her place enough that she rarely shows up so meanly anymore. you mentioned, a minute ago, You referenced a little bit about, I believe it's like the B do have model. Can you teach us a little bit about that? Um, sure. So I know that a lot of my clients will come to me and they are doers. They will do the diet.

11:06 You tell them, okay, don't have cake, don't have sweets, don't have this. And sure they'll do it, but then they actually don't want to live that way. So how you get to the goal is really important. If you really love breakfast, intermittent fasting, and cutting out breakfast, Probably isn't going to work a lifetime for you if that's not what you want to do. So it's like, how do I align how I want to live my life? How do I get to the goal in a way that I want to keep it? Cause when you get to your goal, you just keep going. Like there's no finish line. So I always ask my clients, who do I need to be? Not what do I need to do?

11:47 Not tell me what. Foods to eat and what not to eat. I don't, I never tell my clients don't eat something. I'm going to educate them and I'm going to say, Hey, can you, does this fit into your goal today? You get to make that decision, right? And so sometimes the answer is it doesn't fit and I'm having it and that's okay. And that's where that self trust comes in. Because I know I am the person that can create the result. And even if I go a little over today, doesn't mean I'm going to fail. Doesn't mean I have to spiral. I know how to get myself back on track for the next meal. So it really is about understanding who you are, deciding who you are, right? Decide that that word decide is so important, deciding who you are and who you want to be.

12:30 Now, if I am an athlete, I do what athletes do. I do all the things. If I am a smoker, if I am lazy, I just talked to a client today who said, you know, I'm kind of lazy. And I'm like, okay, if you think I am lazy, which is an affirmation, you're going to do what lazy people do. And is that going to get you the goal that you want? So you really have to kind of back up from the doing and say, who do I need to be? And if I was that person, what would that person be doing to have the results that she wants. That's how you have sustainability versus just like doing a program.

13:13 Then you have no idea how to maintain afterwards because you just did what they told you to do. And there was no internal change. If you want to change your lifestyle. Especially if you have been heavier all your life and you're trying to make a whole new person, a whole new lifestyle, you are going to have to think different. Your habits are going to have to be different. And so just really focusing on that foundation, your emotions, going into places where sometimes you just don't want to go with your feelings, with you and yourself in silence. Um, those are a lot of times the things that are keeping people. stuck doing the diet because they won't go deeper.

13:53 And maybe they don't know to go deeper, but that's what I help my clients do. Perfect. Yeah. Changing who you want to be is really the starting point. Thinking about what kind of life you want to live, thinking about your future self, really. I really love to access that future self part of me and Well, my clients know, and my listeners have heard me say, I want to be an influence for good on my grandchildren. That's one of my like future self thoughts. And that's like part of my B. And so that means I'm going to live a long time. That means I'm going to be able to speak to them in whatever technology they want to be spoken to, right. Whether that's probably not going to be text in, in 20 years, there's going to be something new.

14:39 And so I have to keep my mind Um, and then I have to also keep my body physically active so that I can like grab my bags and get on a plane and go visit them because chances are they're not going to live by me. And so I love this like future self be because then I go, what do I need to do right now to have that result? And so really thinking about who you want to be and, you know, it could be five months in the future, five years in the future, five decades, it, you know, it doesn't. It doesn't matter. We can go as far as we want to with that be. Person, right. As far as who we want to, what we want our lives to look like. And then we do those things. And, and that is sometimes what gets me to the gym, to lift some weights, Yeah.

15:23 And I think too, like even shorter, like what's my next right move? Like you can think about your future self in a month, a year and five years, or the next moment, the next thing that you do, what is the next right move to break that up? Yeah. It's all future self. So, um, A lot of times what gets in, in the way of that, though, is perfectionism because we're like, I don't know what the right move is. I don't know what the next right thing is. And. So I don't know is, is a stopper thought for sure, but I think it comes a lot from perfection because I hear a lot from clients. They're like, I just don't know what is the right thing to eat.

16:05 It's so confusing out there with all of the different diets. Ideas and eating plans and nutrition advice. And so perfectionists especially are like, I can't eat anything. Or like, I might as well not even try because I can't get it right. So I know you work, like you said before, with a lot of perfectionism, what are you think are some of the warning signs that perfectionism is getting in your way? When you have trouble making decisions, When you are researching and researching and researching and you're not actually taking any action That is a really productive way to procrastinate if you are Beating yourself up.

16:46 If you have a lot of negative self talk if there's no safety for mistakes, right? So a lot of times if you are Number one in indecision indecision feels bad in your body, right? making a decision Even if it's quote unquote, the wrong decision feels it actually helps you because it gives you more clarity making decisions gives you more clarity. Even if that was the wrong choice. Now, you know what the right choice is. And now you can move forward versus being an indecision indecision will keep you stuck. I don't know. We'll keep you stuck. So sometimes I'm like, listen. I don't know is off the face of the universe.

17:26 If you had to know, what would an answer be? And I promise you, your brain is going to come up with something when you're looking for it, but you're letting your brain off the hook when You say, I don't know. And a lot of that is just like fear of failure and fear of success. Ooh. Tell me about that. fear of success. So change people do not like change. And who do I need to be now? Like this, for me, it's inspiring thinking about my future self, but for some people that future self feels like, Ooh, I don't know if I can live up to that expectation. I don't know what that's going to mean.

18:07 Um, other people are going to hold me to this. I don't know if I can do it. So it's like fear of success and fear of failure are really intertwined because it's like, um, also I had a client say that the attention that she might get from, uh, other people regarding her body. I've had clients say that and it's like the food or the non action is keeping them in their comfort zone quote unquote and keeping them from being seen because if I lose weight then I'm going to be seen and maybe there will be something expected of me that I can't fulfill or I might be exposed or vulnerable.

18:50 Like there's so many emotions, so many things that are actually keeping you stuck and indecision, fear of failure, fear of success, are all some parts of that. That's really helpful. Um, how do you feel like you can get out of that though? Like if you find yourself that you're like, yeah, I know I'm a perfectionist. I know it's stopping me. I say, I don't know all the time. What do you think are some of the first steps to get out of that? Yeah. like to kind of purge first. I like to see what's all in the box first. So whether it's like writing out yourself, sabotaging thoughts when you look in the mirror.

19:30 What are you saying to yourself when you go shopping and you're putting on some jeans and they might not fit quite right? What are those thoughts? Like literally the sentence that's running around in your brain. Let's get real clear about what that is and like maybe where that's coming from. And a lot of what I find is that the client maybe from their childhood somehow What I call taught thoughts. A mother, for example, might have said things about herself. It wasn't, it may not have even been to the person. It may have just been, you know, a mother's own self talk heard by the child, and now that child has adopted.

20:13 those thoughts or those beliefs that being a certain size is wrong or it means this or that. So we really examine taught thoughts or borrowed thoughts and we say, okay, so you were taught this thought. Do you believe that thought? Do you want to believe that thought? Is that something that you want to keep believing? Because a lot of times we don't even know that it's not even our thoughts. So I have. Yes. Coaches come in sometimes I had a psychotherapist come and she said that when we are kids, we have, she called it our critical faculty. So think about a soccer field and you have the goal when you're a kid, the goals kind of acting like you're subconscious, there's no goalie.

21:02 So the ball can get kicked in. So whatever you are exposed to your environment, you just accept, And then as we grow up, we develop our goalie and sometimes we don't realize that the things that have been put into the goal when we were a child, when we didn't have the critical faculties, the goalie, we don't really want those, but we are not aware. That those were not our own thoughts. So we have to number one, examine what's already been put in there. Is this thought, belief, et cetera, going to serve me? What would I rather think instead? What do I want to think instead? And deciding that and then figuring out how do I start believing that?

21:46 And actually like acting that out because your thoughts that you choose, your beliefs that you choose on purpose are more like you than your taught thoughts. Even though sometimes they feel a little bit uncomfortable because you're not used to thinking those thoughts, but the thoughts you choose are more like you because you chose them on purpose. They weren't just adopted by your subconscious. So just understanding that. And then when you, once you kind of purge and you kind of see what's there, then you decide how I want to think. Then decide how am I going to act this out? And then you just practice. One of my clients had an aha moment about the word practice.

22:26 So it's like, no, I'm not trying. Because trying is like, I keep trying, I keep trying, I keep trying. There's a negative connotation with that. right. I told her just to practice. Every day, just wake up and just like, practice. And just like, Oh, I can do that. I can practice. And I'm like, that's all you need. So you only need a one degree shift. You do not need to do this. Transform your mindset. You need a one degree shift and you will be in a completely different, area in your life. If you just think one degree different. Hopefully that makes sense. totally. I love that soccer field image with the goalie that we just like let it all in.

23:10 And now we're like, okay, we have a goalie. And we actually have the chance to get some of those balls, some of those thoughts that came in, like kick those out. that's awesome. I really love that image. Thank you so much. This has been really a fun conversation because You know, we're not using the video, but the whole time I'm like nodding my head. Like, yeah, yeah, totally. So I usually edit out all my because they're annoying, but I am like doing that the whole time. So what a last piece of wisdom. Can you share with us something that you love to talk about that? I didn't ask you There's so many things, but I guess my, the biggest thing is like, there is no one right way.

23:52 So a lot of perfectionists will think like, it has to be this way. And it's like, no, I'm not going to tell you exactly. You have to eat these exact foods or else you're doing it wrong. Um, what if you can pick and you can always win or learn, right? You don't ever lose. You win or learn, but there's not just one way. And guess what? You get to decide if you decide to take radical responsibility for yourself and your life, you will absolutely change the game because you get to decide how you want to deal with your time.

24:33 what you want to put in your body. Um, it, it doesn't matter if the situation or if your life is, complex, it is not simple necessarily To change your life, but taking ownership of your own decisions and taking radical responsibility for your happiness and for your health will change the game. You have the power to make those decisions and stop like giving that power to other people through people pleasing or just over volunteering, over working for other people to get that validation that you may not be Giving yourself. So just understand that you have way more power than you sometimes give yourself credit for.

25:15 I love it. Thank you so much. Can you tell people where they can find you online? Yes. I usually hang out on Facebook. I have a Facebook group called weight loss for perfectionists. Um, I also have a podcast called the fit figure formula podcast. Um, and I'm also on Instagram at Stephanie Riles dietitian. Okay, perfect. We'll put all those links in the show notes. Thanks again. Thank you so much. I'm so glad you tuned in today. If today's insights resonated with you and you're ready to make lasting changes in your health journey, I'd love to help first. Don't forget to grab that new freebie what to do when you overeat in the show notes, you can also book a free coaching session with me to dive into personalized strategies for sustainable weight loss and a balanced relationship with food.

26:03 You can schedule it at the link again in the show notes. Remember, it's not. Just about the food. It's about empowering yourself with choices that truly serve you have a great week and as always, thanks for listening to the eat. Well think, well live well podcast.