Balancing Well-being and False Pleasures: Navigating the Buffers for a Positive Outcome [Ep. 45]

This is the Eat Well,Think Well,Live Well podcast.I'm Lisa Salsbury.And my mission is to help women stop obsessing about everything they eat.And feel confident about their ability to lose weight without a diet app.This is episode45.We're going to be talking about the life coaching principle of buffering.And really delve into some false pleasures versus our wellbeing activities.I'm going to jump straight into this episode today.It is a solo one that I have planned for you.And.This is a concept I actually taught this morning In my group program.Typically I script out all of my solo episodes,so I'm sure not to miss a single thing,but I want to kind of teach this off the cuff,similar to how I did.With my clients this morning,What my clients get in coaching.Is quite a bit of help on their own thoughts and what's going on for them.What went well?What are current challenges,those sorts of things,but at the beginning of each session,They also get a new concept or a teaching portion from me.So,this is actually from my programs.I teach this both in my one-on-one programs,as well as in my group program.And they get this concept as one of the things they're going to apply and learn and do worksheets on for that week.So I am going to teach it to you today,similar to how you would get it.If you were a client of mine.All right.I'm going to start with telling you how your emotional life exists in the world.And I want you to picture a circle with a line drawn straight down the middle and on one side,there's a plus sign.And on the other side,there is a negative sign.This is the concept of5050.And the idea here is that We spend our life.About half of our emotions are positive and about half of our emotions are negative.Now,you're probably thinking that's not how I experienced life.All these bad things have happened to me.And of course that is normal.The reason for this.Is because your brain will overemphasize the negative.So when you have16positive things that happen in a day and two negative things,and someone is like,Hey,how was your day?Your brain is going to be like,you should tell him about those negative things first,because the negative things.Are the things that are going to kill us.And what I mean by that is when we were early humans or even just humans living.In the early centuries of,of known time.Right?So we're not even talking about like hunter gatherer times,but even just in times where we're living as tribes and living in communities where we do not have.The,you know,restaurants.Food available on every corner.We don't have grocery stores.We don't have homes with electricity and all of those things.We had to be very aware of danger.which of course produces fear,which is a negative emotion that is going to keep us alive to overemphasize the negative.your lived experience might be a little bit more negative,but if we look at the idea that there is opposition in all things equal and opposite forces,we know that we do experience about50,50,half positive half negative.Emotions.All right.So then what we have on the outside of the negative side of your,of that circle,we have what I consider,like,you're going to draw it.If you're drawing this in your mind are taking notes.It's like a tumor on the outside of that negative side of the circle,right?It's like this big bubble on the outside there.It can extend a little bit to the positive side.But this is our buffering tumor.Okay.It exists on the outside of our natural50,50experiencing the world in positive and negative.And the reason for that.Is this buffering.Is a false positive.We get a false,positive reaction from this experience.And then we get in net negative result.Okay.So let me explain what happens is we have a negative.Emotion happened.Alright,can just be as mild as boredom can be as strong as anger.Fear.Something like this has happening.Let's just go with,um,annoyance.Okay.We had an annoying day at work and instead of feeling annoyed and just staying in that circle of natural emotions.And then processing through that annoyance and possibly moving over to the positive side of your circle.Instead,what we do is we jumped out into that tumor,which I described that buffer.And we're like,let's put some food on top of this annoyance to ease the feeling between,so let me jump in here with,you know,a buffer is something that we put in between something in order to ease the scratching.So if you think of like a,a towel that you maybe are going to put underneath a piece of hard furniture so that you can slide it across the floor and we don't scratch your hardwood floor.That's like a buffer in between it sort of like eases that.Um,so it's not so painful,right?It's not going to cause such a strong reaction on the floor.So that's what a buffer is.So we're going to just spackle a little bit of chocolate cake on top of that annoyance,right?We're going to overeat essentially,and we're going to soothe that annoyance,that negative feeling.So what we've achieved here is first we get a false positive.Our brain says,oh yes,this is a good idea.this created dopamine for us.But because we're not hungry,so we're not like solving for physical hunger.And because we're actually just putting that on top of a negative emotion.It's not a true pleasure.We're not really enjoying that.Because what we see then in the result line is a net negative.We are not achieving our goals when we're overeating,we are.Possibly even creating a lot of discomfort in the body.So one of those net negative results is actually going to be like physical discomfort.You might see a net negative result that looks like speaking super unkindly to yourself.Right.We end up saying,oh,here I go.There I go again,you know,I'm never going to lose weight.This is never going to work for me.I'm never going to be able to get out of this and all of that sort of negative talk.That's going to be a net negative result because that's not really where we want to be at the end of the day.Right.So that is kind of what it looks like to be in a buffering or false pleasure cycle.Other false pleasures that you might list on this side would be.So I started with overeating,right?Um,also could be over drinking.If you are drinking beyond what you planned for the evening.If you're like,I'm just going to have one glass of wine with friends and you end up having six,that would be over drinking over your plan.Over spending.So I'm sure you've all seen the memes where it's like,therapist,what do we do when we're sad me add to cart.Therapist now.Right.I love that meme.I think it's so funny,but that it's overspending when we're like,I just need a little,we call it things like retail therapy,right?When we go into target for toilet paper and cleaning supplies,and we come out with curtains,new vases.And a new workout top.That's probably overspending if that's not part of your budget,right.Other things that may or may not be issues for you.Pornography drugs,gambling.These kinds of things are creating false positives.They're not true experiences,right?We get.The pornography is not a true sexual experience with a committed partner.Drug use is not true euphoria.We're not having a true experience of genuine happiness.It is mitigated by those drugs and same with,you know,gambling.We can also see false pleasures in a little more everyday things that my clients,my listeners might see themselves in things like over social media use when we are supposed to be doing some emails for work,we're supposed to be,in fact,my client this morning gave this example.She was like,well,sometimes I'm supposed to be grading papers and I'm like,let me just go and check out what's happening on Instagram.Right?That's over social media use because it's at a time when you're not planning to do it or at a time when you're trying to avoid.The discomfort of Doing what your schedule says you are needing to do at that time?Uh,over TV.So over Netflix,right?If we are spending hours and hours on TV,when we need to be,or should be doing something else,and I use that word kind of sparingly should.But what I mean by that is we are intending or planning to do something else.We have a big to-do list,or maybe we,have goals that we're going to.Move or work out or get something done in the day.And then we don't want to do those things.We don't want to feel that discomfort.And so we watch TV instead.So what happens when we're like,okay,let's give up all these buffers.Let's stop doing that.Let's stop jumping out into that tumor of buffering and stay existing in the negative side of the circle of emotional life.We want to just experience the true emotions,half the positive.And half the negative.This is what happens when we are learning to feel your feelings.And I know that's like a super like buzzy.Phrase right now,like,oh,feel your feelings.But the idea there is actually to get good at feeling discomfort.Get good.Uh,feeling annoyance get really good at feeling cravings.And we get good at feeling these things and allowing them to exist in our body without reacting to them,without the idea of needing to solve for them.We just say,oh yeah,look here I am a person that's very uncomfortable.Doing this podcast without a script and I'm going to do it anyway,right?Like I'm actually pretty uncomfortable right now.Because I typically use a script and I want it to come out nicely.Right.But we challenge ourselves.We decide,Hey,I'm going to try something new.I'm going to try not eating some chocolate.While I write these emails,I'm going to try not eating a donut every single morning.I'm going to just see what happens there.It's going to feel uncomfortable the first morning that I say no to the donut in the break room,that's going to feel uncomfortable.So we stay with that feeling of discomfort.Rather than either number one,jumping out into that buffering tumor,like I've said.Or pushing it down,which can be a little bit of a buffer as well.But just the idea that we push it down,we tell ourselves we shouldn't feel this way.We're not supposed to feel this way.I don't want to feel this way.Instead,we want to kind of bring it up to the surface and be like,oh,Hey,this is what discomfort feels like.This is what being nervous feels like.This is what a craving feels like.Where do I feel it in the body?What kind of reaction is it giving me?Is it vibrating fast,slow?Is it moving around or is it sitting heavy?All of those kinds of things.I even have clients sometimes give it a color.Maybe even see if it looks like an animal.Like when we say we have butterflies in our stomach,Or monkeys in our brain,those kinds of things.So any way we can describe that feeling and really notice how it's behaving in the body that is feeling your feelings and that.Is allowing that feeling to be present without the need to push it down or put a buffer in between you and that vibration.So as we are doing this and practicing with this during the day and over the course of time.What we are going to see is a little bit of a decrease in our overall dopamine level.And the reason for that is because even though I said that we get a false positive.With the buffering because it's a net negative result.So therefore we know it's a false positive.The dopamine is still real.The dopamine is still happening.That release.So when we stopped doing those things,then we stopped getting that dopamine release.So we want to sort of supplement that supplement our lives with.Wellbeing activities with things that are going to naturally increase our dopamine.Not necessarily in the moment that we want the chocolate.Do we need to jump to a wellbeing activity,although you can,but the idea is to create spaces in your life and times that you are participating in these wellbeing activities so that your overall dopamine level.Just his uptick a little bit.This will help you then when the cravings come because your dopamine will already be just a little bit on a higher plane than it typically was.And so The urges won't be quite as strong.So,let me give you some ideas of what I mean by wellbeing activities.So a couple things.To remember we have kind of two categories of wellbeing,activities.Number one is sort of a natural,temporary kind of immediate thing.The first thing that always comes to mind for me here is a hot shower.I love a hot shower.I know some people are bad people.Great.Take a hot bath.That's perfect as well.So when you're in there.It's feels really great,but when you step out and sort of move along with getting ready for your day,you're not still thinking,man,that hot shower was so good,man.That just feels so good to have that warm water on my skin.Like it's kind of over,right.So that's why it's temporary.So it feels really good in the moment.Other things that can feel really lovely in the moment and increase our dopamine are things like taking an outdoor walk.Um,petting your pet.So,dogs or cats?I don't,I'm not a cat person.I know some cats are like,don't touch me,but if you happen to have a cat that you're able to sit and pet,that is actually a really big dopamine release.So reading for pleasure,right?Like not for work,but just a fictional book.Sex usually ends up here,but there's also some crossover.So because the next category is what I call earned pleasures.And these things are just more longterm.Which means they produce these a long-term positive emotions,like confidence capability,commitment.And just the sense of accomplishment.And these kinds of things are education.getting an education can sometimes not be that fun in the moment,right.When you're studying and cramming and have to go to class and all those things.But the long-term accomplishment.It gives you long-term confidence.And like I said,that feeling of accomplishment.Coaching can also be,um,even sometimes therapy depending on your functional level,if you are,pretty high functioning and just using therapy to Uplevel your life.But coaching,we take people who are fully functioning and we up-level them get them to reach goals.So coaching can be uncomfortable.A lot of times my clients are like,I didn't really like what you said there,but then I thought about it and I realized how that is,is true for me,or is applicable.So sometimes it.Can be uncomfortable when a coach is like,Hey,here's what your thoughts.Are giving you here's what the result is in your life.And yet working on your brain.Thinking about your thinking,which is a lot of what coaching is,is very much an earned pleasure because you will end up upleveling so many areas of your life.Whether you start with a coach.For weight loss or time management,there's all kinds of different things.The tools that you learn are applicable in so many different areas.So other things here in your earned pleasures can be relationship building.So sometimes it's not really fun to have a difficult conversation with your spouse.But in the longterm,all of these conversations and time spent together.that is an earned pleasure of,uh,of a relationship being built.So I mentioned like sex could be a natural or temporary pleasure,but it can also be earned as you build that sexual relationship.So things can cross over there's some times I find.For some days,these items are in one category and some in another category exercise for me kind of goes back and forth.Sometimes it's like temporary and natural pleasure where I get like a high,I feel really great after exercising.Other times,it's kind of a slog for me.Like as much as I am.Telling you all the time,like,oh,women,we need to be weightlifting.It's so good for you.And I totally believe that sometimes I don't feel like weightlifting.Sometimes it's not my favorite form of exercise.I.Would prefer sometimes to do cardio or sometimes I want to just get out on a walk and when I choose to do it for me,then that's an earned pleasure because I'm like,I'm doing this out of commitment.And so the net result.Is actually a positive emotion.I get that feeling of accomplishment and just the,the commitment that I did that from.So you can see how that would be an example of sometimes it's a natural temporary,sometimes it's an earn.So it depends for me on the day.It might depend for you on how you feel about exercise and movement.For most people,a walk outdoors,somehow connecting with nature.Is always going to be good.That's always going to be a good choice on your wellbeing activities.So after you look at these two lists that you've made,or even just listen to these lists that I've given you.You wanted them kind of look at your calendar,look at your life,look at your time.How are you spending your time?And how does that reflect the wellbeing activities that you think you might like to include?Maybe there's just one that you're like,I'd like to do that one more often.For me,I decided a couple years ago that I really wanted to knit a sweater.So I know that sounds really dorky.And my kids constantly make fun of me and call me like a grandma or an old lady,which by the way,I don't think as an insult,but they would tease me about my knitting,but I decided I was going to make a sweater.And that was really like an earned pleasure for me because it took so long.First of all.And it was a challenge to learn how to do all of the construction and all of The new techniques that I had to learn in order to do that.But.as I thought of ways to include this in my daily routine,what I would do is I would knit.In the evenings,rather than either watching TV,mindlessly,or I would knit alongside watching.A movie with my spouse or if he was watching something that I wasn't interested in,that was a perfect time for me to just focus on my knitting rather than going somewhere else.So it was kind of.You know,able to sit next to him,which in and of itself is just being together is a relationship build.And then also learn something new for myself.So that's kind of the way I integrated that into my life.Another thing that you can do to integrate some of these things without having to completely overhaul your time management,like,okay,I've got to carve out two hours for meditation and outdoor walks.Like we don't want to do that.What we're trying to do is just integrate these things.And focus on them.When you're experiencing them.So for example,you can just focus on rather than changing anything about your routine.If you love a hot shower,you can actually just think about that.Think about how much you're loving it,enjoying it.I love the hot water.I love the feel of clean,fresh hair,you know,whatever it is that you love about it.Give yourself some time to enjoy it while it's happening.And that is another way you can just kind of increase these wellbeing activity,experiences.But for example,Say you want to have some downtime in the evening,and this isn't really a time where you would consider it like over Netflix,right?It's not a time where you had planned to do something else,but now you're choosing Netflix because you don't want to do that thing.It's maybe a time where you're just like,I want to decompress for30,45minutes.You can decide is TV really going to bring me.That wellbeing that I want or would reading,or maybe you also want to learn.Um,or maybe some other downtime type activity.I know for me a lot of times,especially like I said,if it's a show or maybe a sports game that my husband is watching,I'm not really interested in.I have way more dopamine or wellbeing.By sitting next to him and reading my book,then watching something I don't want to watch.Right.So just switching activities,or sometimes I notice that when I'm on my phone too much or on social media too much.I just put my phone in another room and just say,okay,that's that's not actually bringing me any wellbeing right now.Switching to reading my book or I'm switching to,a lot of times I'll switch to meal planning,actually read,read a recipe book.I sort of love recipe books.In fact,a little side note.My favorite new recipe book is called dinner.It's from the author,from the blog of recipe,10eats.She has no idea who I am.This is not any sort of add or plug.I just really love it.I've tried several recipes out of it,and it's been really yummy.So that's something I like to do is look at recipes because.I am a foodie.I love to cook yummy things.So that works well for me as a wellbeing activity.If I think about it as a slog of like,Ugh,I got a meal plan for the week.I got to go grocery shopping.Then not so much if I think about it,like,what do I want to make this week?What do I want to try?What will be quick and easy?There's lots of ways I can think about wanting to do it.That can increase that pleasure.So that is the concept I have for you today.Really think about how your life is actually5050,which means we have to emphasize a little bit more,those positive things that have happened during the day.And.Emphasize the doing of the positive things.Doing those wellbeing activities increase our baseline of dopamine by focusing on increasing our well-being activities As we are decreasing our buffers specifically,as we talk about on this podcast of overeating,that's our primary buffer that Most of my clients.And most of you listeners.Are trying to change,right.We're trying to eat when hungry stop when we've had enough and,then feel the cravings.Rather than buffering against them I love Shonda Rhimes phrase that she uses in Europe.Yes.Where she says,I just would spackle some chocolate cake on top of that emotion.And so as we're trying to stop doing that stop.Using chocolate cake as a spackle on top of our negative emotions.We want to really focus on these wellbeing activities.So let me know how you liked this episode,this more off the cuff a little more casual,a little less scripted.And just solo episode.I know I've been doing a lot of interview episodes lately,so I'd love to hear from you.I'd love to know what you learned and.I'd also love to know what you'd like to hear about next.So.Reach out to me and let me know in a review or in a DM on Instagram,any of those things.Lastly,the easiest way to reach out to me really is to just schedule a free session with me if this resonated at all with you,if you're like,yeah,coaching is where it's at.I think this is really what I need to do,but you're not sure about it.Schedule a free strategy session with me.I know that's a really boring name,but essentially.It's your chance to see.If coaching is going to work for you,The best way to know if coaching is going to work for you.Is to actually get a little bit of coaching.So let me know what your burning question is by bringing that to our session.You're welcome to bring anything.You can bring your food journal and we can take a look at it together.You can bring your current routines,your exercise.You know,what your day looks like and see like,how could this fit in for me?You can bring anything that is currently happening in your life.That's keeping you from achieving your goals and I will give you some coaching on it and you can decide if that's the route you want to go.So of course that link is in the show notes.I would love to talk to you.All right you have a great week