May 31, 2023
Balancing Well-being and False Pleasures: Navigating the Buffers for a Positive Outcome [Ep. 45]
![Balancing Well-being and False Pleasures: Navigating the Buffers for a Positive Outcome [Ep. 45]](https://getpodpage.com/image_transform_gate_v3/MEzyE_19y6OiMlNvPs2Iuj6GPRTlyVWguuY9LRWFLhY=/?image_url=https%3A%2F%2Fstorage.buzzsprout.com%2Fot4kwg6c1ofrol9j5tqin9v9id5t%3F.jpg&w=1200&h=630&fill=blur "Balancing Well-being and False Pleasures: Navigating the Buffers for a Positive Outcome [Ep. 45]")
Did you know emotions are 50/50? You experience about half positive and half negative emotions. It sometimes doesn’t feel that way, and so we try to stop having negative emotions but buffering against them.
In this episode I take you through how I teach my clients this concept and how to recognize your false pleasures vs. the well being activities you want to include more of in your life.
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More from Well with Lisa:
- Schedule a free session: wellwithlisa.as.me
- Your Go-To Meal Guide: grab it HERE
- Instagram: @well_with_lisa
Transcript
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This is the Eat Well, Think Well, Live Well podcast.
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I'm Lisa Salsbury.
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And my mission is to help women stop obsessing about everything they eat.
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And feel confident about their ability to lose weight without a diet app.
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This is episode 45.
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We're going to be talking about the life coaching principle of buffering.
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And really delve into some false pleasures versus our wellbeing activities.
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I'm going to jump straight into this episode today.
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It is a solo one that I have planned for you.
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And.
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This is a concept I actually taught this morning In my group program.
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Typically I script out all of my solo episodes, so I'm sure not to miss a single thing, but I want to kind of teach this off the cuff, similar to how I did.
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With my clients this morning, What my clients get in coaching.
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Is quite a bit of help on their own thoughts and what's going on for them.
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What went well?
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What are current challenges, those sorts of things, but at the beginning of each session, They also get a new concept or a teaching portion from me.
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So, this is actually from my programs.
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I teach this both in my one-on-one programs, as well as in my group program.
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And they get this concept as one of the things they're going to apply and learn and do worksheets on for that week.
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So I am going to teach it to you today, similar to how you would get it.
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If you were a client of mine.
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All right.
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I'm going to start with telling you how your emotional life exists in the world.
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And I want you to picture a circle with a line drawn straight down the middle and on one side, there's a plus sign.
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And on the other side, there is a negative sign.
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This is the concept of 50 50.
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And the idea here is that We spend our life.
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About half of our emotions are positive and about half of our emotions are negative.
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Now, you're probably thinking that's not how I experienced life.
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All these bad things have happened to me.
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And of course that is normal.
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The reason for this.
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Is because your brain will overemphasize the negative.
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So when you have 16 positive things that happen in a day and two negative things, and someone is like, Hey, how was your day?
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Your brain is going to be like, you should tell him about those negative things first, because the negative things.
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Are the things that are going to kill us.
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And what I mean by that is when we were early humans or even just humans living.
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In the early centuries of, of known time.
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Right?
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So we're not even talking about like hunter gatherer times, but even just in times where we're living as tribes and living in communities where we do not have.
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The, you know, restaurants.
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Food available on every corner.
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We don't have grocery stores.
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We don't have homes with electricity and all of those things.
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We had to be very aware of danger.
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which of course produces fear, which is a negative emotion that is going to keep us alive to overemphasize the negative.
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your lived experience might be a little bit more negative, but if we look at the idea that there is opposition in all things equal and opposite forces, we know that we do experience about 50, 50, half positive half negative.
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Emotions.
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All right.
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So then what we have on the outside of the negative side of your, of that circle, we have what I consider, like, you're going to draw it.
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If you're drawing this in your mind are taking notes.
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It's like a tumor on the outside of that negative side of the circle, right?
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It's like this big bubble on the outside there.
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It can extend a little bit to the positive side.
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But this is our buffering tumor.
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Okay.
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It exists on the outside of our natural 50, 50 experiencing the world in positive and negative.
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And the reason for that.
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Is this buffering.
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Is a false positive.
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We get a false, positive reaction from this experience.
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And then we get in net negative result.
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Okay.
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So let me explain what happens is we have a negative.
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Emotion happened.
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Alright, can just be as mild as boredom can be as strong as anger.
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Fear.
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Something like this has happening.
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Let's just go with, um, annoyance.
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Okay.
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We had an annoying day at work and instead of feeling annoyed and just staying in that circle of natural emotions.
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And then processing through that annoyance and possibly moving over to the positive side of your circle.
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Instead, what we do is we jumped out into that tumor, which I described that buffer.
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And we're like, let's put some food on top of this annoyance to ease the feeling between, so let me jump in here with, you know, a buffer is something that we put in between something in order to ease the scratching.
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So if you think of like a, a towel that you maybe are going to put underneath a piece of hard furniture so that you can slide it across the floor and we don't scratch your hardwood floor.
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That's like a buffer in between it sort of like eases that.
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Um, so it's not so painful, right?
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It's not going to cause such a strong reaction on the floor.
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So that's what a buffer is.
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So we're going to just spackle a little bit of chocolate cake on top of that annoyance, right?
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We're going to overeat essentially, and we're going to soothe that annoyance, that negative feeling.
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So what we've achieved here is first we get a false positive.
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Our brain says, oh yes, this is a good idea.
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this created dopamine for us.
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But because we're not hungry, so we're not like solving for physical hunger.
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And because we're actually just putting that on top of a negative emotion.
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It's not a true pleasure.
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We're not really enjoying that.
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Because what we see then in the result line is a net negative.
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We are not achieving our goals when we're overeating, we are.
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Possibly even creating a lot of discomfort in the body.
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So one of those net negative results is actually going to be like physical discomfort.
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You might see a net negative result that looks like speaking super unkindly to yourself.
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Right.
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We end up saying, oh, here I go.
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There I go again, you know, I'm never going to lose weight.
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This is never going to work for me.
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I'm never going to be able to get out of this and all of that sort of negative talk.
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That's going to be a net negative result because that's not really where we want to be at the end of the day.
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Right.
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So that is kind of what it looks like to be in a buffering or false pleasure cycle.
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Other false pleasures that you might list on this side would be.
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So I started with overeating, right?
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Um, also could be over drinking.
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If you are drinking beyond what you planned for the evening.
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If you're like, I'm just going to have one glass of wine with friends and you end up having six, that would be over drinking over your plan.
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Over spending.
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So I'm sure you've all seen the memes where it's like, therapist, what do we do when we're sad me add to cart.
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Therapist now.
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Right.
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I love that meme.
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I think it's so funny, but that it's overspending when we're like, I just need a little, we call it things like retail therapy, right?
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When we go into target for toilet paper and cleaning supplies, and we come out with curtains, new vases.
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And a new workout top.
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That's probably overspending if that's not part of your budget, right.
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Other things that may or may not be issues for you.
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Pornography drugs, gambling.
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These kinds of things are creating false positives.
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They're not true experiences, right?
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We get.
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The pornography is not a true sexual experience with a committed partner.
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Drug use is not true euphoria.
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We're not having a true experience of genuine happiness.
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It is mitigated by those drugs and same with, you know, gambling.
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We can also see false pleasures in a little more everyday things that my clients, my listeners might see themselves in things like over social media use when we are supposed to be doing some emails for work, we're supposed to be, in fact, my client this morning gave this example.
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She was like, well, sometimes I'm supposed to be grading papers and I'm like, let me just go and check out what's happening on Instagram.
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Right?
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That's over social media use because it's at a time when you're not planning to do it or at a time when you're trying to avoid.
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The discomfort of Doing what your schedule says you are needing to do at that time?
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Uh, over TV.
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So over Netflix, right?
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If we are spending hours and hours on TV, when we need to be, or should be doing something else, and I use that word kind of sparingly should.
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But what I mean by that is we are intending or planning to do something else.
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We have a big to-do list, or maybe we, have goals that we're going to.
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Move or work out or get something done in the day.
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And then we don't want to do those things.
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We don't want to feel that discomfort.
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And so we watch TV instead.
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So what happens when we're like, okay, let's give up all these buffers.
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Let's stop doing that.
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Let's stop jumping out into that tumor of buffering and stay existing in the negative side of the circle of emotional life.
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We want to just experience the true emotions, half the positive.
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And half the negative.
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This is what happens when we are learning to feel your feelings.
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And I know that's like a super like buzzy.
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Phrase right now, like, oh, feel your feelings.
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But the idea there is actually to get good at feeling discomfort.
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Get good.
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Uh, feeling annoyance get really good at feeling cravings.
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And we get good at feeling these things and allowing them to exist in our body without reacting to them, without the idea of needing to solve for them.
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We just say, oh yeah, look here I am a person that's very uncomfortable.
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Doing this podcast without a script and I'm going to do it anyway, right?
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Like I'm actually pretty uncomfortable right now.
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Because I typically use a script and I want it to come out nicely.
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Right.
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But we challenge ourselves.
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We decide, Hey, I'm going to try something new.
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I'm going to try not eating some chocolate.
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While I write these emails, I'm going to try not eating a donut every single morning.
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I'm going to just see what happens there.
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It's going to feel uncomfortable the first morning that I say no to the donut in the break room, that's going to feel uncomfortable.
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So we stay with that feeling of discomfort.
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Rather than either number one, jumping out into that buffering tumor, like I've said.
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Or pushing it down, which can be a little bit of a buffer as well.
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But just the idea that we push it down, we tell ourselves we shouldn't feel this way.
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We're not supposed to feel this way.
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I don't want to feel this way.
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Instead, we want to kind of bring it up to the surface and be like, oh, Hey, this is what discomfort feels like.
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This is what being nervous feels like.
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This is what a craving feels like.
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Where do I feel it in the body?
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What kind of reaction is it giving me?
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Is it vibrating fast, slow?
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Is it moving around or is it sitting heavy?
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All of those kinds of things.
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I even have clients sometimes give it a color.
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Maybe even see if it looks like an animal.
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Like when we say we have butterflies in our stomach, Or monkeys in our brain, those kinds of things.
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So any way we can describe that feeling and really notice how it's behaving in the body that is feeling your feelings and that.
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Is allowing that feeling to be present without the need to push it down or put a buffer in between you and that vibration.
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So as we are doing this and practicing with this during the day and over the course of time.
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What we are going to see is a little bit of a decrease in our overall dopamine level.
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And the reason for that is because even though I said that we get a false positive.
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With the buffering because it's a net negative result.
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So therefore we know it's a false positive.
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The dopamine is still real.
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The dopamine is still happening.
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That release.
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So when we stopped doing those things, then we stopped getting that dopamine release.
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So we want to sort of supplement that supplement our lives with.
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Wellbeing activities with things that are going to naturally increase our dopamine.
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Not necessarily in the moment that we want the chocolate.
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Do we need to jump to a wellbeing activity, although you can, but the idea is to create spaces in your life and times that you are participating in these wellbeing activities so that your overall dopamine level.
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Just his uptick a little bit.
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This will help you then when the cravings come because your dopamine will already be just a little bit on a higher plane than it typically was.
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And so The urges won't be quite as strong.
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So, let me give you some ideas of what I mean by wellbeing activities.
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So a couple things.
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To remember we have kind of two categories of wellbeing, activities.
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Number one is sort of a natural, temporary kind of immediate thing.
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The first thing that always comes to mind for me here is a hot shower.
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I love a hot shower.
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I know some people are bad people.
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Great.
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Take a hot bath.
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That's perfect as well.
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So when you're in there.
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It's feels really great, but when you step out and sort of move along with getting ready for your day, you're not still thinking, man, that hot shower was so good, man.
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That just feels so good to have that warm water on my skin.
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Like it's kind of over, right.
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So that's why it's temporary.
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So it feels really good in the moment.
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Other things that can feel really lovely in the moment and increase our dopamine are things like taking an outdoor walk.
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Um, petting your pet.
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So, dogs or cats?
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I don't, I'm not a cat person.
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I know some cats are like, don't touch me, but if you happen to have a cat that you're able to sit and pet, that is actually a really big dopamine release.
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So reading for pleasure, right?
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Like not for work, but just a fictional book.
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Sex usually ends up here, but there's also some crossover.
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So because the next category is what I call earned pleasures.
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And these things are just more longterm.
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Which means they produce these a long-term positive emotions, like confidence capability, commitment.
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And just the sense of accomplishment.
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And these kinds of things are education.
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getting an education can sometimes not be that fun in the moment, right.
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When you're studying and cramming and have to go to class and all those things.
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But the long-term accomplishment.
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It gives you long-term confidence.
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And like I said, that feeling of accomplishment.
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Coaching can also be, um, even sometimes therapy depending on your functional level, if you are, pretty high functioning and just using therapy to Uplevel your life.
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But coaching, we take people who are fully functioning and we up-level them get them to reach goals.
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So coaching can be uncomfortable.
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A lot of times my clients are like, I didn't really like what you said there, but then I thought about it and I realized how that is, is true for me, or is applicable.
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So sometimes it.
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Can be uncomfortable when a coach is like, Hey, here's what your thoughts.
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Are giving you here's what the result is in your life.
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And yet working on your brain.
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